The True Face of Evil
by Kita1
Summary: When Ganondorf escapes, it's up to Link to save Hyrule yet again... but can he do it with the world's most blatant Mary Sue hanging off his neck? MARY SUE BASHER! FINALLY UPDATED! Sorry this took so long. Life keeps getting in the way.
1. Can You Guess the Mystery Guest?

**DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Legend of Zelda. Really.**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, I will admit it: I am guilty of Mary Sueism, and it really got on my nerves... so I decided to writea Mary Sue-basher to prove that I've seen the error of my ways. Please keep in mind that I'm not trying to make fun of any one Mary Sue in particular, so if it sounds like I'm flaming anyone's OC, I swear it wasn't done on purpose.**

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Chapter one… _Can You Guess the Mystery Guest?_

This story begins on an over-cliched dark and stormy night.

Not just _any_ dark and stormy, though—this is _extremely_ dark and stormy. The kind of dark and stormy that is every horror-movie-director's dream come true. The kind of dark and stormy where you would say, "Sheeze, I bet that the next time there's lightning, you can see the sillhouette of some mysterious cloaked figure looking forlorn."

Lightning flashes.

It briefly illuminates the outline of a mysterious, cloaked figure seeming even more forlorn than the weather seems dark and stormy. It's almost as if they'd practiced looking weary, grieved, strained and lonely all at the same time, because they are very good at it.

They stagger down the dirt path that cuts through Hyrule Field and come to a stop before the drawbridge leading to the Market, and from the Market to their ultimate destination, the castle—except for the fact that the drawbridge is up. It is, after all, a dark and stormy _night_.

The enigma considers a handful of different solutions to this problem, but _forlorn_ eventually wins them over, and they topple to the ground in a dead faint.

Thunder rumbles in the distance, adding to the drama almost as much as _dark and stormy_ has.

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**Short chapter, I know, and I'm sorry... but watch out, 'cause chapter two's on its way, and that's where the real fun begins. Please review... I'm addicted to feedback.**


	2. Enter the Bad Guy

**DISCLAIMER: Nope… still don't own Zelda.**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: There is some mild Zelda bashing from here on out, just 'cause I don't like her very much, but I'll keep it at a minimum. Besides, Sue-bashing is just so much more fun.**

**AncientDirgeDragon:** I hope chapter two lives up to your expectations, and I hope you'll stick around at least long enough to meet the Sue. Thanks for reading in more than one genre.

**TigerTank:** YES, IT WILL BE MORE THAN TWO CHAPTERS. As of right now, I have chapter five completed.Also, yes, the Mary Sue is going to be steeped in cliches. And if you think _you're_ guilty of Sueism, the shock of some of _my_ early Zelda OC fics would probably kill you.

**Ian Gainsborough:** Aw, thanks! I'm glad that you're enjoying this!

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Chapter two… _Enter the Bad Guy_

Link, the Hero of Time, the only man in Hyrule who could wear tights and a skirt on a daily basis and still look hot, was known also for being able to keep the same stoic expression on his face, no matter how he was feeling at the moment.

Now, however, he was on the verge of showing an uncharacteristic display of irritation.

He was fed up—no, not just fed up, he was _sick and tired_ of Ganondorf. But here he was, in all his Gerudo King glory, kicking back in one of the royal La-Z-Boys, trying and failing to figure out how to pull the footrest out.

Princess Zelda, as stereotypical a princess as humanly possible, sat across from him, sitting so straight and proper that it looked painful. Unlike the struggling Ganondorf, she had absolutely no interest in the footrest on her recliner.

"I will ask you _one more time_," she said through gritted teeth. "How did you get out of the Sacred Realm?"

Ganondorf gave one last fruitless tug at the little wooden lever wedged in between the armrest and the cushion before giving up and resigning himself to the interrogation.

"For the last time, I don't know."

"Well, you got out _somehow_," Link said. "And since none of us let you out, you had to have done it yourself. So that means you know how you got out." He coolly yanked on his own footrest lever, and the recliner snapped into place, raising his feet.

The Gerudo glared at him. "Look, maybe the author just needed a bad guy, and I was the most convenient," he snapped in his deep voice. "This is _fanfiction_, after all."

Link looked down at his La-Z-Boy. "So it is. That explains these."

Zelda cast a quick, longing glance at the way the two men were slouching, but regained her stereotypical-princess air almost immediately.

"Well, even if that _was_ the case, that means we'll still have to figure out how to send him back to the Sacred Realm," she said to Link.

"Shouldn't be too difficult," the sort-of-Kokiri answered. "I've had tons of practice."

"Practice?"

"You know, every time I beat him, destroy him, seal him away…"

"Hello?" came Ganondorf's rather annoyed baritone. "I'm still here, you know."

"But he keeps coming back," Zelda said to Link, who shrugged. "That's what the next installment of each game is for," he answered.

"I can hear every word you're saying," Ganondorf reminded them loudly.

"The _Oracle_ games," Zelda disagreed. "_Twilight Princess._ Heck, you can even count _Smash Brothers_ and _Soul Caliber 2_. He's not in any of those."

"No, he's in _Melee_," Link corrected after thinking for a second. "And he has a cameo appearance in the _Oracles_. And how do you know about _Twilight Princess_? It hasn't been released yet!"

Ganondorf stood up. "Well, if you're not in any need of me," he boomed, stretching in the most obvious manner he could manage, "I think I'll just be on my way now…"

"Oh, for Nayru's sake," Zelda snapped at Link, "haven't you read _any_ of the gaming magazines recently?"

"Not since _Animerica_ got replaced by _Shoujo Beat_," the Hero of Time grunted, rolling his eyes.

Ganondorf began to inch towards the door.

"That isn't a gaming magazine!" Zelda said. "Honestly, for a huge Nintendo icon like yourself, I'm surprised you don't keep tabs on things like this—"

"Keep tabs on my own publicity? How shallow do you think I _am_?" Link shot at her. "Sheeze, it's a good thing the author hates Zelink pairings, 'cause you'd drive me _crazy_ if I got stuck with you!"

Ganondorf reached his goal, eased it open, and slipped away to freedom.

"_What did you just say to me?_" Zelda fumed.

"Look, for a stereotypical princess, you're very nice," Link sighed, "but you're just not my type."

"You are horrible," the princess muttered under her breath. Then, louder, "Ganondorf, tell him he's horrible!"

The La-Z-Boy held no desert man to affirm Zelda's conclusion about Link.

"He's gone!" the two of them yelled at the same time, then looked at each other.

"JINX!" Link yelled after a second.

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**And there's chapter two. Thanks for reviewing, and please continue to do so! Chapter three will be up shortly… in which Mary Sue is introduced. (thunder, lightning and other special effects here) Mwahahahahaha!**


	3. Sickeningly Sweet

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:Chapter two only got one review? That wounds me... that wounds me deeply. Anyway, here's chapter three, but apparently no one is going to READ AND REVIEW it, so (sniff) what's the point? Oh, and whoever it was that started the OC-basher with the main character that shares a name with my Sue, I swear I didn't copy your name... I had already started this fic when you posted yours. If you want me to change my Sue's name, I will do so promptly.**

**DragonRaiderX9:** Thanks for the lone review... you have my eternal gratitude and this giant slice of cheesecake. Cool pen name, by the way. I hope you stick around.

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Chapter three… _Sickeningly Sweet_

"This is all YOUR fault," the princess snapped. "If you hadn't gotten so far off track, he wouldn't have—"

"I called jinx on you," Link interrupted savagely. "You can't speak until I say your name."

"Remind me again—how old are you, Mr. Hero?" Zelda said, bristling.

"Well, thanks to all that time traveling you put me through, I have no idea," Link retorted.

Zelda opened her mouth to spout a comeback or three at him, but before she could do so she was cut off by the giant wooden double doors slamming open.

"What the—" Link pushed the footrest back into the La-Z-Boy and sat up straight as half a dozen soldiers stormed into the room.

Zelda did not seem pleased to see the guards. "What did I tell you? The Room of Recliners is for royalty and main characters only!"

The captain of the squad stepped forward. He looked exactly like all the other soldiers except that he had a cape, which was the entire reason he was the captain.

"My apologies," he said, not sounding sorry in the least, "but—"

"My apologies, _princess_," Zelda corrected.

The captain shrugged. "Sorry, sweetheart, but the author has forbidden me from referring to you with a title of respect."

Zelda muttered something very impolite at the author, and the captain continued. "Anyway, it's not that big a protocol breach anyway, because we're escorting a main character into the room."

Link and Zelda sat up even straighter, the princess wincing as she pulled a muscle in her back. "You caught Ganondorf already?" Link asked.

"What?" the captain asked, and Zelda said quickly, "Nothing! Forget it!" She shot Link a dark look as the captain nodded to his squad.

The guards backed away as prettily as a group of synchronized swimmers, revealing in their midst a forlorn-looking figure hidden in a grass-stained, muddy cloak.

Link blinked.

"You don't look like a main character," he said slowly.

The captain looked at Link and the princess curiously. "What were you saying about Ganondorf?"

"_Super Sheikah Ultra-Convenient Memory Replacement!_" Zelda cried, pointing at the group of guards.

There was a brilliant flash of light.

"Ow!" Link grunted, rubbing furiously at his eyes. "Why do all your stupid magic powers have to _do_ that!"

"_Because_," Zelda sighed, "my other choice for special effects was a squirrel popping up from out of nowhere and spraying everyone with that spray cheese stuff in a can, and that just didn't seem authoritative enough."

"What are we doing here?" one of the soldiers asked blankly.

The captain gasped. "Everyone, let's go! It's karaoke night tonight!"

"Where?" asked the guard, and the captain shrugged. "Beats me, but it's a really long way away from here, where something big and important is obviously about to happen! Let's go, guys!"

"Karaoke!" the squad cheered, and they followed the captain out of the Room of Recliners.

Link started to follow, but was stopped when Zelda clamped a hand on his shoulder. "You're not going anywhere," she snapped.

"Let me go! I love karaoke!" Link said, brushing her hand off—and he froze.

The cloaked figure has pushed their hood off of their face, and suddenly Link can't quite remember anything about the past half hour.

This figure isn't just a figure… she's a _goddess._

"Hey," Zelda says suspiciously, "why are we suddenly in present tense?"

She glances at Link and notices the drool dripping steadily from either corner of his mouth, his glazed expression and the way he's absently tugging at the neck of his tunic.

Furious, she spins on her heel to confront this intruder.

"I don't know _who you think you are,_ but you've got another thing coming if you think… if you think you can… if you… oh…" She trails off helplessly.

The figure has disposed of the cloak entirely by now, and the fact that it's just mysteriously gone is the farthest thought from anyone's mind. The newcomer is dazzlingly beautiful. She is roughly Zelda's height, with blue eyes and blonde hair like Zelda—except that this girl's eyes aren't just _blue_, they are an ocean of sapphires, shiny and big enough to put Bambi to shame, and her hair is long, thick, and impossibly straight, with such a glossy sheen that one can almost see their reflection in her tresses. She is wearing a Gerudo guard's outfit: large purple pants that fit snugly around the ankle and nowhere else, and a matching purple top that exposes her perfectly slender belly and the sparkling crystal that sits in her navel. Her face, though, is bare, save for the gold-and-diamond tiara gracing her forehead.

Zelda knows that next to this beauty, she herself will look like a withered old hag.

She doesn't like this feeling at all.

"Link," she hisses, and then she loses herself for a second, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him hard. "LINK!"

The Hero of Time blinks and shakes his head slightly. Wiping the drool off his face, he asks groggily, "Wha… who _is_ that?" Dreamily, he adds, "She's so… _beautiful_."

Smooth-skinned, perfectly manicured hands pry Zelda off of Link, and he begins to drool again.

"My name," the newcomer says in a sweet, musical voice like a spring of pure water in a desert, "is Princess Mariana Susana Starlight Bell Skydream Amethyst Phoenix Sonatina Jubilee the Life-Giver, the Water Spirit, the Chosen One of Destiny, the Sword of Hope, and…" She pauses, counting on her fingers while reciting her titles under her breath, and then continues. "And the Goddess' Avatar. Silly me, I always forget one or two of those. You may call me Riana."

Riana gives Zelda a glittering smile, showing a hint of her flawless white teeth, as she gently closes Link's mouth for him lays her head on his shoulder.

"Who the heck _are_ you?" Zelda growls.

Riana gives a merry laugh that sounds like harp music, and Link, cued by the sound, clumsily wraps his arms around her.

"Who am I?" she says. "It's a bit of a long story…"

"So get talking," Zelda snarls, desperately wishing she could slice this girl's perfectly wonderful face off with a blunt knife.

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**PLEEEEEEASE review?**


	4. A Bit of a Long Story, Abridged

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm having a great time with this fic, and I hope everyone is having as much fun reading it as I'm having writing it! Thanks also for the reviews. Hope they keep on a-comin'. Also, please remember that I am not poking fun at any one specific Sue, especially not yours.**

**Millie Foster:** Thanks!

**Lizai:** Yes, cherries jubilee is a dessert. Did you get that from the Enchanted Forest Chronicles? "Jubilee" means celebration, and the "year of jubilee" was a (kind of) festival in the Old Testament that rolled around once every fifty years. I just like saying "jubilee". It's a fun word. Jubilee!

**Silhouette the Hedgehog: **Good. This chick is _supposed_ to be painful.

**Ri2:** Yes! She's here! (thunder and lightning) Zelda didn't tell anyone Ganon got away because she is extremely embarrassed that she let him escape while she was distracted. Sorry, I didn't realize that was so unclear.

**TigerTank: **I'm glad you liked it! Her name took me forever because I had so many "pretty" words I wanted to use--it was hard to restrict myself to just two lines. Dot is the best. And you'll see what Ganon's up to in chapter five. I tend to stay away from M-rated stuff; I'm sure your parody is great, but swearing and Kita don't mix well. Sorry. (deep bow) I'm glad you're keeping up with my MS basher, though. Thanks.

**Baron Hausenpheffer:** (mock fury) I am appalled! In no way does this Mary Sue represent me! I couldn't care less what condition my nails are in! So there! (breaks down laughing) Oh man, I am so excited you're here. I hope my humble scribbling is enough to keep you around.

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Chapter four… _A Bit of a Long Story, Abridged_

Riana's beauty is incomparable and irresistible, and try as hard as he might, Link cannot focus on much else. Fuzzy, half-formed thoughts chase each other around his brain, but he ignores them and just concentrates on the fresh-rain-and-roses scent of her silken hair, the way she fits perfectly in his arms, the warmth of her cheek on his shoulder. He hopes his body is remembering to breathe for him, because he isn't paying attention to little, trivial things like air.

Princess Zelda, on the other hand, feels herself growing wild with jealous rage.

_Her_ mind has never felt clearer. She knows instinctively even before this so-called "Princess Mariana Susana Starlight Bell Skydream Amethyst Phoenix Sonatina Jubilee" begins her story that it's going to be a _good_ story, a story chock-full of drama, tragedy, lost love, danger, and the courage and strength to rise above it all and _still_ have never had a hair out of place.

Riana gives a light little sigh, looking as if she's drawing strength from the nearness of Link.

The urge to kill has never been stronger inside the Princess of Hyrule.

"My tale is long," Riana says softly, "but if you have the patience, I will tell it. It begins with the king of the Zora people, who was childless at the time. It pained his heart that he did not have a successor to the throne—and then one day, a young baby girl was found, abandoned and quite alone, but sleeping peacefully, lulled by the music of the waterfalls. He was overjoyed, of course, and immediately took her in as his own. That baby was me. Ruto," she adds as an afterthought, "was born not too long after, but I was always the king's favorite, he always told us so.

"When I was eleven, I grew restless with the desire for adventure and to know who my birth parents were. I embarked on a great journey—"

"Stop," Zelda snaps suddenly, "just stop. I _don't_ have the patience to hear the story of your life. Give us the short version, then tell us what you're doing in _my_ castle."

Riana blinks in surprise, obviously unused to being treated as less than deity.

"My dear Zelda," she says cautiously, "this story affects the lives of all who hear it…"

"Short version," Zelda demands again.

Riana looks scandalized, but continues, "I embarked on a great journey which was ordained for me by the goddesses, thus earning me the title 'Avat—'"

"That doesn't sound like a short version," Zelda says sharply. "How about this—I'll tell your story for you, and you tell me if I'm right or not."

Riana opens her lovely mouth to protest, but Zelda speaks right over her: "You were abandoned as a baby and raised as the princess of the Zora. Then you were hand-selected by the goddesses to defeat some random great evil in the world, so you somehow ended up in all the major areas of the world map and became an adopted princess or something because the leaders of all those places took a liking to you and wanted to help you on your quest. You fell in love with a dashing young man who was slowly turning to the ways of evil, and your goodness showed him the light, but just as you thought you'd be together forever, he was brutally killed. You swore to avenge his death and fulfill your destiny to save Hyrule, so you became skilled with every weapon Link carries and more. Your hand-to-hand combat skills are second to none. You can ride a horse better than Malon could ever hope to. You're also quite the accomplished ocarina player. For about two years now, you've been having prophetic dreams that showed you Link, who looks rather like the man you loved, and how he would be the key to defeating this random great evil." Zelda takes a deep breath, then asks, "Am I right?"

"Well—yes," Riana stutters, "but there _is_ one other little thing. This is the last major area on the world map I need to visit and discover old ties to, so you must know what that means…"

Zelda is afraid to ask, but Riana is more than willing to volunteer that information: "I'm your long-lost twin sister!"


	5. The Beginning of a Plot

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I still don't own Zelda, and this applies to all chapters. Thanks for the feedback!Everyone enjoy the new chapter and the new plot!**

**Baron Hausenpheffer:** Thanks! (And "Riana" was shortened from "Mariana," so technically she _is_ using one of her own names.)

**Georgianna:**You're not the only one who wants to kill the Sue.Trust me.

**eternalnemesis:** I hate all that stuff too. I never knew writing a basher could be this much fun.

**Lizai:** Well, I'm not sure what "Skydream" is supposed to mean; I just liked the way it sounds. Does that count?

**Ri2:** I'd cry if she was my sister.

**TigerTank:** Um... thanks, I think. Glad you like it.

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Chapter five… _The Beginning of a Plot_

Ganondorf strolled happily through the Market.

He hadn't been in such a good mood in a long time. The sky was blue, the air was crisp and clean, the Market was filled with music and the laughter of the people, and he had just kicked two puppies and a cucco. Life was good.

Now if he could just think of something evil to do, life would be even better. He took a look around him, searching for an opportunity.

An old lady stood to his right, trying to keep all her purchases from falling while struggling to close a sizable rupee pouch.

On his left was a boy, perhaps six years old, fondly admiring the giant yellow balloon tied loosely to his wrist and licking an enormous swirly lollipop.

A group of teenaged girls walked in front of him, fawning over a long, delicate string of pearls that hung around the leader's neck. Ganondorf caught part of what she was saying as they passed: "…finally convinced her to let me wear it, but if anything happens to it she's going to kill me…"

Decisions, decisions.

The King of Evil settled on the merchant just behind him, a scrawny-looking man wearing a sandwich sign that read _DESTROY YOUR ENEMIES WITH THIS REALLY POWERFUL BOMB! FREE TO GOOD HOME!_

The salesman's downcast face brightened as Ganondorf approached. "Maybe _you'll_ be interested, sir?" he asked perkily. "You seem like the evil dictator type. Would you like to see—"

Ganondorf punched him in the stomach as hard as he could, knocking him unconscious and leaving a gaping hole in the sign.

He dusted off his hands and continued on his way.

Yes, life was _very_ good.

And then he stopped as something occurred to him.

_DESTROY YOUR ENEMIES?_ _REALLY POWERFUL BOMB? FREE?_

That sounded deliciously evil. How perfect could life _get?

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"You're my _what?_" Zelda shrieks, and Riana smiles happily.

"Yes, dear Zelda, I am your long-lost twin sister! We were separated at birth—you were raised by the King of Hyrule, and I was sent to be raised by the Zoras!" she announces with the air of someone who is sharing _good_ news.

"If we're really twin sisters, why were _you_ sent away?" Zelda shoots back at her.

Riana's joyful face grows somber, although her perfect azure eyes still sparkle. "It was the will of the goddesses," she says seriously. "I was kidnapped by Ganondorf when we were less than a month old and left for dead, for he realized that I was the princess foretold in the many prophecies, the one destined to destroy him—"

"Why didn't he just kill you then and there and not risk you being rescued?" Zelda interrupts, feeling irritated that Ganondorf let such a golden opportunity slip through his fingers.

"The Divine Three bestowed their protection upon me, for I needed to survive in order to rid the land of the King of the Gerudo," Riana answers, not recognizing the maliciousness in Zelda's tone. "And very soon, I shall fulfill my destiny… and then, dear sister, I can come back to the castle and reign here, and you can be my second-in-command!" A girlish squeal escapes her full, ruby-colored lips, and she breaks away from Link to take Zelda's hands in her own. "I can hardly wait! We can get to know each other and talk about boys and do each other's hair! We're going to have so much fun together—it will be like a sleepover party every night! Oh, dear sister, I am _so_ very glad that I have found you at last!"

A wave of nausea threatens to send the contents of Zelda's stomach on an unpleasant journey upwards. Desperately, she feigns surprise and points to the door.

"Oh no!" she shouts. "There's—um—something evil outside this room!"

Riana gives a merry, harplike chuckle. "Oh, silly, the goddesses have given me the ability to sense evil, and there is nothing to fear for now. Maybe _your_ senses have gotten fuzzy?"

Zelda tries again. "Look! Free hot male main characters from other games and anime series!"

"Where?" Riana's head snaps around, and Zelda shoves her out the door, slams it shut and locks it. She leaned against it with a sigh of relief.

As if he'd suddenly woken from a deep sleep, Link shook his head and looked around. "Why did it suddenly go back to past tense?" He paused, then added, "And why is my face all wet?"

"Oh, for heaven's sake," Zelda muttered, "that little wench is going to change the tense every time she shows up."

Link hesitated, then sniffed at the front of his tunic. "Why do I smell like fresh rain and roses?"

"It's because something terrible has just happened," Zelda answered miserably. "This fic stars a Mary Sue."

Link sharply turned to stare at her in horror. "_No,_" he whispered, aghast.

Zelda nodded. "What with this and Ganondorf on the loose… Hyrule just very well may be doomed."


	6. This is Fanfiction

**Hi everyone! Thanks for being patient; I haven't had too much time to write and/or update yet. Here's chapter six, and yes, it is a longer one! Hooray!**

**TigerTank:** Ganondorf is up to something quite evil, but I must say that beating the peasants with sticks never crossed my mind. The tense change comes from the presence of Riana; she is so perfect and wonderful that the fic itself feels the need to acknowledge her. And no,I have no idea how this is going to end. I'm just writing it as it comes to me. But trust me, it will be painful... HA!

**Lizai:**Good question._I_ certainly wouldn't.

**Ri2:** Yes, but then if there's no Riana there's no Sue-basher! I'll make her get what she deserves.

**Lucky:** How do I come up with this? The answer, my friend, is found in one word: SUGAR.

**Baron Hausenpheffer:** A bucket of reality? Good idea, but when you're me, reality is hard to come by.

**eternalnemesis:** Yeah, I like that part too.

**eternalnemesis:**Shoot! My reply got cut off! Don't you hate it when that happens? (hee hee, sorry, I couldn't resist.) Glad you liked the chapter.

**Phantwo:** Aw, you made me blush! I'm having such a good time making fun of everything, and I'm happy other people are enjoying it too. Sorry about the mild Zelda-bashing, but I'm just not that fond of her. She's been a lot of help in this fic, though--I'm enjoying writing through her perspective.

**jiminycricketX:** Wow. Sorry I nearly killed you. Thanks for checking out my story!

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Chapter six… _This is Fanfiction_

Ganondorf, humming a little as he left the Market with a complicated-looking bomb in tow, began silently reviewing his Evil Dictatorship shopping list.

Freedom… check.

Evil plan to conquer the world… check.

Giant bomb with which to conquer the world… check.

Secret hideout and/or floating castle…

The desert man stopped in his tracks on the drawbridge. He didn't have either one of those.

Crud! What was he supposed to do _now?_ It wasn't as if he could just snap his fingers and a fortress protected with mazes, booby-trapped-and-monster-infested dungeons, and other random magical barriers would suddenly appear in front of him—

_Wait a second,_ he thought. _This is fanfiction. Anything can happen._

He looked down at the thick, sausage-like fingers on his right hand, then looked back up at Hyrule Field.

_Anything can happen… right?_

Only one way to find out.

He shut his eyes (merely to add to the drama, of course), lifted his hand and snapped his fingers.

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"What are we going to do?" Zelda moaned for the seventeenth time, pacing furiously and wringing her hands. "I cannot _believe_ we let Ganondorf get away and have Mariana Susana Bunnies And Flowers Whatever Her Name Was to deal with on top of it!" Then, bringing her count up to eighteen, "What are we going to _do?_"

"First, you can quit doing laps around the room," Link sighed. "You've worn a pathway in the carpet."

Zelda glared at him. "Any other bright ideas, or did you use up your entire stock right there?"

Link raised a brow at her, which was quite a feat considering his eyebrows had been furrowed in a permanent scowl since his 3-D debut on the N64. "Hey! Since when have you been so irritable and nasty?" he shot back at her. "You're _supposed_ to be level-headed and wise beyond your years." Comprehension suddenly dawned on his face. "Unless this is simply the worst case of PMS I've ever seen."

Zelda's mouth dropped open. "That's not—you are _such_ a—it isn't—"

"Chocolate?" Link offered, holding up an Almond Joy.

The princess raised her hand to slap him across the face, but she hesistated, then sighed in defeat and grabbed the candy instead.

"See?" Link said encouragingly as she unwrapped it and bit into it, both unaware of the author boiling in jealousy on the other side of the computer. "You just need to calm down so we can think."

Zelda nodded, feeling better already as she sucked the chocolate off the almond. Yes, she was being irrational. She just needed to collect her wits and put them to a more creative, productive use—namely, destroying the true face of evil once and for all.

Oh, and destroying Ganondorf, too.

"So," Link said, plopping into the big green recliner that the Gerudo King had previously occupied, "let's start with what we know." He tugged on the wooden footrest lever, then looked at it in surprise when it didn't budge. "Wow… Ganondorf really jammed this thing."

"Well," said Zelda around a mouthful of coconut, "Ganondorf is trying to conquer the world for no apparent reason, and we have a Mary Sue who's going to be on our tail every step of the way."

"The best way to get rid of Ganondorf is easily violence," Link grunted, jerking the little lever fruitlessly. "C'mon—you stupid—piece of—" Frustrated now, he pushed himself to his feet, drew out his sword and began smacking at the lever with the flat of the blade.

"You _could_ just sit on a different chair," Zelda pointed out, licking the last traces of chocolate off her fingers and crumpling the wrapper into a little ball.

"Or I could hit _this_ one with every weapon in my arsenal," Link said thoughtfully, and immediately he swapped the sword for the hookshot. "_One_ of these has got to work."

Zelda decided not to argue. She was rich, after all—she could buy an entire furniture store if she felt like it. Continuing the conversation, she said, "I'm sure violence will work for Ganondorf, but it's not going to work for Riana."

"Why not?" Link said, now taking a swing at the La-Z-Boy with the Megaton Hammer. "We just make her meet the same sorry end as Ganon."

"Easier said than done. You turn into a slobbering idiot whenever that little harpy floats into the room."

As the chair went up in flames, Link put away the Fire Arrows and turned around to face her. "I do _not_."

"Yes, you do," Zelda insisted.

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not!"

"Do too—no! I am _not_ getting into this any further!" Zelda snapped, and at that very moment the thick double doors burst open.

Link and Zelda glanced at each other in horror as golden rays of light poured through, the music of a symphony arose from out of nowhere, and a couple twittering bluejays flew into the Room of Recliners and vanished. As the all-too-familiar-by-now scent of fresh rain and roses drifted across the room, masking even the smoke from the flaming chair, Riana glides across the threshold, wearing a sky-blue, low-cut dress now, along with so much silver-and-sapphire jewelery that standing upright must be a difficult task, and—oddly enough—a pair of white wings, making her look like she has quite literally fallen from heaven. She is more radiant than ever now, even with the tears streaming down her face.

"Fight it, Link!" Zelda screams. "Fight it!"

But Link has already begun to salivate.

"Drat it all," Zelda mutters.

Riana's voice breaks as she tries not to sob. "I got out into the hallway," she cries in a voice that breaks Zelda's heart and makes her want to kill something at the same time, "when I realized that I was betraying dearest Link's love!" She gracefully runs straight into the Hero of Time's waiting arms. "Link, oh Link, my heart belongs to you and no one else! I'll understand if you… if you don't… if you _can't_ return my feelings, but you must know how I love you!"

"Why yes my darling Riana I understand perfectly and I love you too and all is forgiven," Link says tonelessly, his eyes going out of focus.

Riana flings her arms around his neck and speaks into his shoulder. "Oh, Link… you really are a saint… you're almost as perfect as I am." She lifts her face and, to Zelda's horror, slowly begins inching her beautiful lips toward his own—

"I DON'T _THINK_ SO!" the princess of Hyrule shrieks, grabbing those fluffy white wings and pulling as hard as she can, almost throwing Riana across the room in an attempt to get her away from Link. To her surprise, Riana squeaks in pain.

"Ow! Dear sister, _what_ are you doing?" she yelps, giving Zelda a helpless, liquid-eyed look of astonishment as she catches herself and straightens up.

"Those are _real?_" Zelda asks incredulously. "I thought they just came with your ability to change outfits at a moment's notice."

"Of _course_ the wings are real," Riana says in a humoring tone of voice, perking up slightly. "I forgot to mention—I'm an angel."

"Aren't you my twin sister?"

"Yes."

"So I'm an angel too?"

"No."

"That makes no sense whatsoever," Zelda says, and Riana just gives a pleasant little laugh. "Oh, sister, you _do_ make me smile sometimes! This is _fanfiction._ I don't have to make sense."


	7. In Which Ganon Actually Does Something

**You are all CRAZY! Did you know that? YOU ARE ALL CRAZY! But I guess the world needs psychotic people like us. Anyway, I'm sorry for the long update… responsibility keeps getting in the way. Stupid responsibility!**

**TigerTank:** Oh, to blow Riana away with any of the Goldeneye007 weapons... alas, we must tolerate her further.

**Lizai:** Of _course_ her speech is different. She's too perfect to speak in common tongue like the peasants.(see reply to TigerTank's review)

**Lucky:** No, I'm not dissing 3-D Link; I just think it would hurt to keep your eyebrows furrowed for as long as he does. Almond Joys are my best friend.

**Ri2:** Like I said earlier, I'm not poking fun at any one particular Sue except my own. Congratulations on killing yours off. And I think I finally figured out where the story goes from here, so the ending should be coming to my sleep-deprived brain soon.

**Baron Hausenpheffer:** By the time I'd written chapter six, I'd noticed the very same problem. That's why this chapter is titled as it is, and I swear the story starts picking up. I beg for thine patience.

**Georgianna:** If only there was a place to which we could run...

* * *

Chapter seven… _In Which Ganondorf Actually Does Something_

As the King of Evil, the villain of countless Nintendo titles and works of fanfiction, Ganondorf had thought that he'd seen it all. Been there, done that. Nothing new under the drab brownish-yellow clouds he'd once managed to blot out the sun with.

But _now_, trapped inside Microsoft Word, he had come to comprehend the meaning of _ultimate power._ The Triforce was nothing, absolute garbage compared to the power he had in the grasp of an author desperately in need of a bad guy and willing to supply him with anything he desired in exchange for a plot.

A snap of his fingers. A mere _click_, and Hyrule Field had been utterly transformed into the impenetrable Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil. The lush green grass was now a rolling carpet of blood-tainted spikes (he had no idea where the blood was from, but it made quite a nice addition to the scheme of things). One spike-free path stretched from the drawbridge to the edge of the moat of lava surrounding his new hideout, but it was heavily guarded by swinging Tomb-Raideresque scythes and those crawling hands that return you to the beginning of the dungeon and make the author want to rip her hair out in frustration. There was no bridge over the moat leading into the Secret Fortress. That would make things too easy for Link.

And oh, the hideout itself! A gloriously hideous castle made of black stone, with red-eyed gargoyles perched on every available parapet and windowsill, stretching at least a thousand feet into the air and spanning almost the whole breadth of Hyrule Field. Inside, he could sense, were dozens of mazes and random puzzles that would certainly slow Link down in his daring endeavor to get to the very topmost room, all infested with every enemy the little punk had had to fight in _Ocarina of Time_—

Wait a second. Why would Link be trying to get to the topmost room? He was too smart to waltz in there just because he could, and he certainly wasn't going to try to rescue Ganondorf from imprisonment in the tallest tower a la _Shrek_.

Ganondorf almost hit himself then. He had forgotten the first, foremost, pivotal, cardinal, essential, key, crucial, most vital Rule of Evilness: _When in doubt, kidnap the princess._

The Gerudo King threw back his head and laughed his signature laugh. Link would have no idea what hit him. They would never be expecting this.

Oh, how very sweet life was!

* * *

Riana has been making valiant efforts to get back to Link ever since Zelda pulled her off of him, and it is getting on the Princess of Hyrule's nerves. 

"Dear sister, will you _please_ step aside?" the One of Many Titles asks again, desperately trying to sidestep Zelda, who has conveniently managed to get in the way each time. "Link and I are _destined_ to navigate dangerous dungeons and fight off Ganondorf and perhaps have a handful of humorous scenes where he tries a thousand different ways to kiss me and each one goes hilariously wrong until at the end of the fic when I end up tripping and our lips meet by accident—"

_Goddesses,_ Zelda prays silently, _I beg you, if there is any mercy in the heavens, please, please send this little pain in the neck out of the room and give her a prophetic vision for about five minutes or so to keep her busy._

"—and after we've stared into each other's eyes for a minute while our faces are burning red he'd swallow in a determined fashion and lean forward and kiss me for real," Riana continues, demonstrating her ability to survive without air, "and that would be the end but there would be an epilogue that takes place ten years later in which he and I watch our children, Liana and Rink, frolicking happily through fields of flowers and then we join hands and reminisce about our wedding and then we go back into the castle which is our home because we are the King and Queen of Hyrule—"

"Will you _please_ use some punctuation if you're going to continue on like this for a while?" Zelda mutters through gritted teeth. Riana sighs, and her feathery wings droop a little. "This, dear sister, is my only weakness," she says unhappily. "Or rather, it is the author's fault… we original characters are often plagued with bad grammar and poor spelling." Then, after a short pause, "My dearest Link will be able to cheer me up, though… Zelda, please move…"

The Princess of Hyrule gasps and points toward the door, wondering if this is going to work again and praying fervently that it will. "Oh no! Look, Riana, a baby is trapped in that burning building right next to the tree with a stranded kitten in it!"

To her immense relief, Riana's Blatant Lie Radar does not seem to be fully functional at the moment, and the angel whips around. "I can help!" she cries. "I am immune to fire!" And she darts out the door.

Zelda slammed the door shut and wedged a recliner under the handle, wondering if that would keep her twin out or if Riana would suddenly reveal that she had the ability to walk through walls.

The possibility made her shudder.

Link's face had gone back to normal, and he had immediately occupied himself with wiping the saliva from his mouth and chin. Zelda quickly dismissed thoughts of Riana breaking down the door with her beauty alone and grabbed his shoulders. "There's no _time_ for that!" she snapped. "Link, you have to listen to me, something just occurred to me and it might just save you—"

"There's no time to do _this_?" Link asked doubtfully, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

There was a loud _crack_ as the door splintered and golden beams of light began to filter through. Very, very faintly, an orchestra struck up a symphony.

_No,_ Zelda prayed desperately, _please, please give her a vision or something, anything to keep her occupied…_

The golden light flickered and died as a very loud gasp sounded out from the other side of the door. The symphony suddenly went out of tune and faded.

Zelda almost went limp with relief, but that was a luxury she could not afford. "Here," she said urgently, holding out her hands. "I want you to take this."

"Take _what?_" Link asked, and at that very moment there was a blinding flash of light.

Zelda felt the weight of yet another treasured possession passed down from generation to generation in the royal family in her cupped hands. Sage powers, she decided, were a wonderful thing, especially the powers that could make stuff materialize whenever you needed it.

Link violently rubbed at his eyes. "Ow! Will you _quit_—"

"Take it!" Zelda hissed. "Quick, Link, take it before that little wench comes back in here!"

_Legend of Zelda's_ trademark "You Found The…" jingle began to play as the Hero of Time lifted above his head _the Pendant of Sanity! Press start to access the menu, the directional buttons to highlight, and the C buttons to equip! With this, you can keep your cool whenever Mary Sues set their sights on you!_

"You gave me a necklace?" Link asked dubiously, staring at Zelda as if she'd given him a lacy pink dress. "Why?"

"You idiot," Zelda snapped, "didn't you read the instructional description?"

"I hate the instructional descriptions," Link said evenly. "They make me think of Navi, and I'd rather not—"

"Put—the—stupid—thing—around—your—neck," Zelda interrupted, struggling to keep her temper.

"It's a _necklace_," Link said.

"It's the _Pendant of Sanity!_" Zelda shrieked. "It isn't a necklace! Put it _on!_"

The first violin of the invisible orchestra suddenly played a long A, and then a D.

Zelda froze. "What was that?" she whispered. "What are they doing?"

The rest of the orchestra chimed in, all on the same note.

"They're tuning," Link said quietly, horror-struck. "That means—"

Zelda gave a wordless cry of terror and leaped forward, grabbing the Pendant of Sanity out of Link's hands and throwing the chain around his neck just as the symphony began again, full volume.

The doors splintered further, and the golden light streamed through—and then, in slow-motion, the cracked wood imploded, and pieces of the door hung suspended in midair as Riana steps through, slipping past the recliner easily.

Zelda stuffs the Pendant part of the Pendant of Sanity down the front of Link's tunic, resorting again to silent pleading with the goddesses. _Please, please, let this work, please please please…_

The moment Riana has crossed the threshold, all the pieces of wood drop noiselessly to the floor, the golden light fades, and the orchestra falls silent. Her outfit has changed radically once again—a flowing green skirt, a short-sleeved white top that reveals enough to be cute but not enough to be questionable, a brown leather vest that hangs open (allowing Zelda to see all of the items and weapons that are stored in its numerous inside pockets, although from the outside there seems to be nothing there), and pretty-but-practical assorted jewelery. A green crystal sparkles on her forehead, and her long golden hair has been plaited.

"I have had a revelation from heaven!" she cries. "We must embark on a journey straightaway! Link, come along—let's go outside, and you can call Epona with your ocarina, and I will call my own snow-white mare with _my_ ocarina, and we'll—"

"Now just hang on a second," Zelda breaks in. "What did this 'revelation' tell you that's so urgent?"

"Well," Riana says, "it was a vision that—Link?" Her tone is suddenly confused. "Dearest Link, are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Link says, and Zelda spins around to face him. "A comma!" she cries happily. "You used a comma, and you aren't drooling! Link, you're okay!"

And at that very moment, a large, brown hand clamps over her mouth and pulls her backwards, muffling her scream of shock and fright.

Link draws his sword, his signature scowl back on his face. "Ganondorf!"

Zelda tips her head back far enough to see straight up the King of Evil's nose, and she nearly vomits into his hand.


	8. It's EVIL!

**Hi everyone, and I'm sorry for the long update (again)! I was having trouble with the site! Please don't hit me! Hope you all enjoy this chapter... I did.**

**TigerTank:** I'm trying not to laugh, but it isn't working.

**Baron Hausenpheffer:**Hmm... now _there's_ an idea...

**Ri2:** Yep. Yep. Yep.

**eternalnemesis:** Don't worry, I'm sure I'll find some more cliches to bash somewhere.

**Lucky:** No, I really do like 3D Link. I also thought that it would be fun to branch out with Ganondorf a little more than usual, so he won't be _completely_ cliche... just mostly cliche.

**Georgianna:** Um... right. Glad you liked it.

**Lizai:** No, she's not annoying, she's just... she's just... um... well, okay, you're right. She IS incredibly annoying. But it's fun to write.

**Amarantha Whisperquill:** blushes furiously I'm flattered, really! Thanks!

**mew katt:**Thank you!

**The Sage of Time:** I'm trying to poke fun at my own Sue, but since most Sues are basically the same, I'm not surprised she sounds familiar to you. I'm glad you like it!

* * *

Chapter eight… _It's EVIL!_

The desert man chuckles darkly. "Yes, Link, it is I! And now that I've got your beloved Princess Zelda, nothing can—"

"Beloved? This isn't a Zelink!" Link interrupts.

"Beloved? Link is destined to be _mine!_" Riana says hotly at the same time.

Ganondorf ignores them. "Now that I've got the princess, nothing can stop me! I'll turn the sky back into that shade of brown you get when you mix random crayon colors! I'll fill the world with even more random monsters than there were before I took over! Heck, I'll pour Kool-Aid mix into Lake Hylia _without sugar!_ I can do whatever I fancy, and you, my dungeon-crawling friend, are powerless to do anything except bow to your new king!" His lip curls, and his standard Chuckle of Evilness issues from deep inside his throat.

Riana whips out a golden bow set with diamonds, fits an arrow into the string and cocks it so quickly that her movements are all a blur. "You will release my sister at once," she commands, "and then you will return to imprisonment in the Sacred Realm where you belong!" Her voice is so authoritative that Link and Zelda both get a sudden urge to apologize to her.

Ganondorf sneers at her. "Who is this, Link? Even though I can sense the purity and goodness that radiate from her soul, which surely would turn other, less experienced shriveled hearts back to the light, she is no match for me!"

Riana's face remains adamant, although her sapphire eyes well with tears which have healing powers and can turn lead into gold. "I am none other than Princess Mariana Susana Starlight Bell Skydream Amethyst Phoenix Sonatina Jubilee the Life-Giver, the Water Spirit, the Chosen One of Destiny, the Sword of Hope, and the Goddesses' Avatar! I am the very one you left for dead so many years ago! I am the only one you fear! I have returned, Ganondorf, and I will not let you get away with your evil plots!"

The Gerudo King staggers backwards, dragging Zelda with him. "No… no," he whispers in sheer terror. "Not you! Six ancient Sages, a mystic princess with Sheikah powers, and a guy wearing a sock on his head with more weapons than I have evil plots don't scare me in the least, but I would face them all together in a heartbeat if it meant never seeing _you_ again!"

"You have threatened this world for too long!" Riana cries, almost glowing with righteousness. "Begone!"

Ganondorf screams as if her words have stabbed him through the gut like a sword, and he clutches Zelda's face even tighter, as if she is a buoy in the ocean of pain in which he is being drowned. "Curse… you… Princess… Mariana Susana Starlight Bell Skydream Amethyst Phoenix Sonatina Jubilee the Life-Giver, the Water Spirit, the Chosen One of Destiny, the Sword of Hope, and the Goddesses'… Avatar… curse… you!"

Riana lets fly her arrow, showering the room in sparkles, and her aim is true: she hits Ganondorf in the face. There is a blinding flash of light, but it is the kind of light that only bothers evil people.

The Gerudo man howls in agony, his eyes streaming involuntarily. "I will have my revenge!" he screams, whipping out his cloak and wrapping it around himself and Zelda together. "Watch your step, Heroine of Time! _I will come for you!_"

In a puff of dark smoke, he vanishes, and Princess Zelda goes with him.

* * *

"Zelda!" Link yells at the empty air, as if that will do any good. "_Zelda!_"

Riana sinks to her knees. "I failed," she whispers quietly. "I didn't… didn't rescue my sister…"

She begins crying softly, and before Link can stop himself, he asks, "What is it?"

"Oh," Riana sniffs, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand, "it's… it isn't anything… I just…"

She bursts into loud tears at this point, and in between sobs she chokes out, "I c-couldn't save her just like I couldn't save the man I loved!"

_Oh boy,_ Link groans to himself. _Here we go._

And Riana launches into the longest, most detailed account of her tragic past yet.

* * *

The transportation complete, Ganondorf pulled the heavy cloak off of Zelda, who immediately began brushing wildly at herself, feeling more than a little creeped out by his choice of mode of kidnapping this time.

"Where are we?" she demanded.

Ganondorf's voice was triumphant. "We are in the highest room of the tallest tower of the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil!"

Zelda stared at him, forgetting to brush herself off for a moment. "You mean you got another maze-and-trap-filled castle?"

"Yes," Ganondorf boomed, "and it is from here that I will rule the world once it's under my command!"

Zelda sighed and began to shake out her skirt. "How original."

The big man nodded in defeat. "You're right, it _is_ getting old," he said. "But it's a tried-and-true method, and I'm not the one writing the story anyway." He shifted uncomfortably. "Sorry about all this—grabbing your face and such. But, you know, it has to be done."

Zelda gave her skirt a final shake and looked up. "Well, since the author is too lazy to think of something else that's evil that you could do, I guess it's to be expected," she replied, still a little uneasy. No matter how many times she was abducted, she would never get completely used to it.

"I would've used something more impressive than just my cloak to vanish, you know," Ganondorf went on. "I don't know what came over me. Did you _hear_ some of the stuff I said?"

"It was pretty corny," Zelda admitted.

Ganondorf gave one short, mirthless laugh. "You call 'even though I can sense the purity and goodness that radiate from her soul, she is no match for me' _pretty_ corny?" He turned away from her, and one gigantic fist pounded the stone wall behind him. "What is the matter with me?"

"It's a Mary Sue story," Zelda sighed. "It's no wonder all your lines are so cheezy. She's been affecting Link too, for a while at least."

Ganondorf's head snapped back around, and he stared at her. "That girl was a Mary Sue?" Zelda nodded, and the Gerudo shook his head slowly. "That explains it. Why haven't you gotten rid of her yet?"

"You can't blame us for not trying," the princess retorted. "She's such a pain in the neck, but we're having a hard time thinking of a solution."

Ganondorf mulled over this for a moment. "Alright," he said finally. "I'll go find a way to destroy her."

This took Zelda by surprise. "You will?" she asked. "But I thought you were still an evil dictator bent on world domination—"

"—who will stop at nothing to ruin the world for no good reason," Ganondorf finished, waving his hand casually. "Of course I still am. I'm the villain here, aren't I? I'm going to try to figure out how to destroy the Sue in the process of conquering Hyrule. Meanwhile, princess, you can stay in this dark, grimy hole of a room until I figure out what I'm going to do with you."

"Your evil plots aren't going to work any better than they did the last seven or eight times," Zelda said, but Ganondorf had started up his maniacal laughter by this point and wasn't listening. Chuckling his greasy head off, he strode through the door and slammed it shut.

The princess dashed forward, but a telltale _click_ told her that the door was locked before she reached it. She tugged fruitlessly on it anyway, then pounded on it as hard as she could. "Ganondorf! You aren't going to get away with this!" she shouted as she did so. "Link will come for me!"

"No, he won't," Ganondorf countered, his voice slightly muffled.

"Yes he will!" Zelda insisted.

"He won't!"

"He _will!_"

"He _won't_—no! I'm not taking this any further!" Ganondorf said sternly. "But I'll make sure he won't come for you!"

"Yeah? How?" Zelda challenged.

Ganondorf was silent for a second, then said, "The Sue."

Zelda felt the bottom drop out of her stomach. "What—what did you say?"

Ganondorf laughed again. "I'll find a way to make him fall for the Sue. He'll forget all about you, and you'll be so upset that you will surrender. Then, while Link and the Sue are having pointless adventures wherein Link makes a fool of himself and she either saves his honor or his life, I'll blow up the world."

"What point could that _possibly_ serve?" Zelda snapped at him.

"It's EVIL!" Ganondorf yelled back at her. "It's _very, very evil!_ That's why I'm _doing_ it!"

And without further ado, Zelda heard his heavy footsteps pound away from her prison.

* * *

As Riana's broken but melodious voice relays the misfortune of days gone by, Link finds himself trying not to nod off. The story is interesting enough, as is expected, but for crying out loud, can't she just get over it and pull herself together?

"…and as he lay in my arms, soaked in blood," Riana continues on, voice quivering, "I knew it w-was all my fault, because if he hadn't f-fallen in love with me…"

"Yeah, that's lovely," Link says absently, beginning to check his equipment. "Look, do you think you could tell me all this as we leave?"

Riana sniffs and looks up at him. "Leave?"

"Yes," Link says. "You know, to rescue Zelda and all that."

"Rescue Zelda?" Riana asks innocently. "Oh yes, of course, but… there will be plenty of sidequests and such that we have to take together, just the two of us, right?"

Link suddenly realizes, to his horror, that the answer to this question is _Probably so_.

"NO," he says anyway in the firmest tone he can manage. "Now let's go."


	9. Of Flowers and Cameo Appearances

**Hi everyone! It's been a while! Well, here's chapter nine--I finally got it done--and I have to say, I might actually make some people mad at me with this one. The person who makes a"cameo appearance" is kind of controversial in the fanfiction world, so I'm bracing myself for a little angry feedback. Eh, whatever.**

**TigerTank:** Mary Sue has no chance to survive make her time.

**Georgianna: **Woot!

**Ri2:** No, because if he tried, the blade would glance off a pendant the Sue wears under her blouse--it's the only keepsake she has of her mother--so she would live. That's probably what would happen.

**mew katt the sith lord:** Hurl away.

**Lizai:** Nice idea. I might have to steal it sometime. (laughs)

**eternalnemesis & Lucky:** I'm responding with... um... myself, 'cause all one of me read your review together. Ganondorf is EVIL!

**Baron Hausenpheffer:** Tiger, tiger, birdy... your clothes are red! Product placement with Taco Bell...

**Xiao-Darkcloud: **Twitch just about sums it up.

* * *

Chapter nine… _Of Flowers and Cameo Appearances_

Riana is on cloud nine.

She feels her sheer joy shining through her face, and though she is a little sorry that her recently-found twin sister has been kidnapped and is being subject to who knows what kind of horrid torture while being kept in a lightless grimy prison, she simply cannot help but sigh in pleasure.

She and her beloved are setting off on a quest together!

The princess can hardly wait. There is no doubt that while on the journey, she and Link are going to have a plethora of opportunities to discover and confess their true feelings for one another. And, better yet, during the final showdown with Ganondorf, while Link is lying grievously injured because he took a near-fatal hit to save her life, Riana will get to administer her miraculous goddess-granted healing powers not by crying over him, but kissing him.

Yes! The power of love will bloom, and then they will finish Ganondorf off for good, and then they will kiss again, and then Link will ask for her hand in marriage, and then that anticipated epilogue can—

"Riana!"

Link's voice breaks her out of her fantasy. Her Knight in Green Tunic is standing a little ways in front of her, looking slightly annoyed that she has fallen behind already when they're not even out of the Market yet.

She steps forward and slips her slender arm through his. "I'm sorry," she says. "I must have gotten lost in thought. How silly of me."

"Will you quit doing that?" Link sighs, pushing her arm off of himself. "It got old after the first time. And the eleven times after that."

Riana would normally be a little hurt that he turned down yet another gesture of love, but she reminds herself that they haven't even started off on the sidequests yet. There will be plenty of time for him to realize just how deeply he cherishes her.

She admires Link's handsome face as he surveys their surroundings. Their children will certainly inherit his… his… well, alright, their children will inherit their mother's radiant eyes, flowing golden hair, perfectly shaped features, and lovely singing voice. But their sons, at least, will inherit Link's strong build.

"The people here are so tense," her beloved comments, and Riana glances around the Market square. He is right, of course. There is certainly an air of unspoken fear in this place, perhaps stemming from the fact that the sky has turned that all-too-familiar murky shade of brown that can only mean Ganondorf is again on the loose.

As she and Link make their way through the Market square, Riana feels the eyes of the peasants fall upon her. She is used to it—people have been staring at her in awe since she was little—but this time she can sense something else in their gaze. Something… hopeful.

She feels a tug on her skirt and looks down to see an adorable little girl, maybe five years old, shyly trying to make eye contact.

Riana's heart of gold simply melts, and she scoops the child into her arms. "Yes, sweetheart?" she asks, balancing the girl on her hip.

The little girl pulls out a single white flower and presses it into Riana's hand. "The old man says you're the one who's gonna save us all," she says, "so this is for you."

Riana looks past the child for a moment to see an old prophet clad in blue, nodding approvingly and smiling.

She hugs the little girl affectionately. "Thank you _very_ much!" she says, and the girl beams. Riana sets her down and then stoops down to eye level with her. "And you know what? That old man is right! I _am_ going to save the world! So you don't have to be afraid of that big ugly old Ganondorf, alright?"

"Alright!" the girl agrees enthusiastically. "I'm gonna go tell everyone not to be afraid anymore!" She dashes off, and Riana straightens up, smiling to herself. She admires the little flower for a moment, then tucks it into her hair, where it accents her features perfectly.

* * *

Link watches Riana's interaction with the little girl with impatience. What is _taking_ her so long? 

There. Finally. The child has scampered away, and Zelda's sister is slipping a little white blossom into her golden hair. Link is just about to go grab her arm and drag her along when something horrible happens.

_She's so pretty._

Link almost recoils in terror the moment that thought crosses his mind. He turns his back to Riana and fishes the Pendant of Sanity out of his tunic, staring at it as though he has any idea what it is he's looking for.

_Why_ did this stupid thing fail to filter a Sueish thought from his brain?

"Link?" It's Riana, and her voice is as sweetly musical as always. "Link, dear, are you alright?"

The flustered Hero of Time quickly stuffs the Pendant back under his tunic. "Hurry it up," he says quickly over his shoulder. "We've lost a lot of time already. We need to get going. Right now."

* * *

Elsewhere, in the highest room of the tallest tower of the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil, Zelda continued to pace, back and forth, back and forth. 

_I,_ she thought savagely, _am SO bored._

She crossed to the begrimed window and surveyed the ocean of blood-tipped spikes spread out beneath her prison. Ganondorf had done his work well; from a bird's-eye view, she could see that there were many more traps and monsters and such than there were in his last evil floating castle hideout. It could be a very long time before Link got through all of that, and who knew how long it would take him to storm the fortress after that?

If only she were one of the _fun_ types of princesses—the kind that dressed up as a commoner and ran away to escape the royal life, abusive families, and arranged marriages to complete morons, the kind of princess who was an expert in weaponry, the kind of princess who didn't have to rely on random magic sage powers and the all-important hero to save her skin!

Zelda gave a scream of frustration. "_AAAAGH!_ I _hate_ being useless!"

"You don't have to be," came a calm voice from behind her.

The princess whirled around. "What the—who said that?"

A figure dropped from the ceiling right in front of her, performing a perfect triple-somersault in the air and landing catlike on their feet. "It was I…"

He straightened up and looked Zelda in the face. "…the one they call Sheik."

The princess blinked. "_What?_"

Sheik cocked his head. "What do you mean, _what?_ Do you have a problem with my kind or something?"

"You can't be Sheik!" Zelda snapped. "_I'm_ Sheik!"

"You can't be Zelda _and_ Sheik," the other argued, folding his arms.

Zelda fought the temptation to stamp her foot and lost. "Look, you stupid impostor, I clearly explain in _Ocarina of Time_ that I'm Sheik, and I can _become_ Sheik in _Melee,_ so don't you tell me who I can be and who I can't be!"

"Well, you have to keep in mind that we're still inside a work of fanfiction," Sheik replied matter-of-factly. "I can be my own person if I want to."

"But that doesn't work with the games!" Zelda protested.

Sheik just shrugged. "Well, neither does Riana."

Zelda opened her mouth, then shut it. He had a point.

"So what are you doing here?" she asked instead.

Sheik shrugged again. "I'm doing what I do best—showing up out of nowhere at times of your most dire need to offer you vague advice that turns out to be a major hint towards what you need to do next and then throwing sand in your face to distract you while I run away."

Zelda sighed. "It sounds so much cooler when _I_ say it."

"Look," Sheik snapped at her, "do you want to get out of here or don't you?"

"Of course I do!" Zelda shot back.

Sheik seemed less than satisfied, but he pulled out his harp anyway. "Alright, play after me on your ocarina."

"I don't have one," Zelda said. "I gave it to Link, remember?"

Sheik froze, then slumped over a little bit in defeat. "Oh… that's right. Well, good luck getting out then."

"You're going already?" Zelda asked incredulously. "You didn't even help me!"

"Well, my hints won't do you any good if you can't learn the music that goes along with 'em," Sheik said. "Hang on a second, and I'll get some sand."

He fished around in his little satchel as Zelda fumed, but when he withdrew his hand, it had something else besides sand in it. "Sweet!" he exclaimed. "Look what I found!"

"That had better not be what I think it is," Zelda muttered.

"I forgot I had this," Sheik said happily. "Here you go! It's the _Harmonica of Time!_ Now you can play along with me!"

"That's ridiculous," Zelda shot back at him. "No way."

"Well, it's either the Harmonica or staying stuck in here," Sheik reminded her.

_Crap,_ Zelda thought, _he's right._

"Give it here," she sighed, stretching out her hand as the "You Found The…" jingle began to play in the background.


	10. Denial

**Hey everyone! It's me! Remember me? The one who's writing the Mary Sue basher? The one who hasn't updated in... oh... months? The one who's really sorry about that, but life just seems to keep getting in the way? The one who's going to try to do better? The one who wants to hear your feedback on the new chapter? Yeah, it's me.**

**Lizai:** By now, I've forgotten what your idea was, but I'll look it up and steal it later. (laugh) Glad you're enjoying this.

**TigerTank:** lol ur revu wuz soooooo da bomb!11 (shudder) Ugh, I can't stand AIMish, but it really seems to apply here.

**Xiao-Darkcloud:** Thank you kindly!

**mew katt:** Be my guest.

**eternalnemesis:** Thanks! I wasn't sure people would go for the Harmonica, but it seems to be doing alright.

**Ri2:** Yeah, I feel bad for Link too.

**ShadowChocobo:** MWAHAHAHA! Logic can NEVER overcome the Sue!

**Baron Hausenpheffer:** Yeah, I'm pretty certain Sheik's a guy. I hope this chapter's a little better than the last one; I'm pretty proud of it.

* * *

Chapter ten… _Denial_

"How far do you think Ganondorf's lair is?" Riana asks coyly as she falls into step with Link.

The Hero of Time grits his teeth and continues walking. For crying out loud, why are they still in the Market? Why can't this just be over so he can get _rid_ of this annoying little—

"How many sub-dungeons do you think we'll have to navigate through?" Riana persists, still desperately trying to rope him into conversation.

"If there is any mercy in the heavens, we can just skip straight over those," Link answers stiffly, keeping his eyes straight forward. "All I can say is that Ganondorf had better be—"

He stops in his tracks. Riana looks at him curiously, then follows his gaze—and she claps her hands over her mouth. They have arrived at the drawbridge, and what used to be Hyrule Field is in plain sight, spikes glistening menacingly in the sunlight, monsters roaming free, traps, fire, puzzles, mazes, giant rolling stone balls, one gloriously monstrous conglomeration of every _Zelda_ dungeon through which Link has had to wander.

"—close," he finishes.

Tears spring from Riana's lovely eyes. "The monster," she whispers. "How _dare_ he?" She buries her face in her hands, but her sweet voice is somehow unmuffled as she continues, "How could _anyone_ do such a thing to the innocent people of this world?"

"Look, shut up," Link snaps at her. "They're all used to it by now."

"They _shouldn't_ be," Riana sniffs, wiping her eyes. "I vow by the goddesses themselves that I will _destroy_ Ganondorf once and for all, thus liberating the people of Hyrule!"

"That's _my_ job," Link reminds her, feeling a little territorial.

The princess gives him a patronizing smile through her tears. "It _was_ your job," she corrects. "Now that I'm here, you are suddenly incapable of saving the world on your own, even though you've done it solo twenty times before this."

Link begins a quick retort, but she grabs his hand and tugs him across the drawbridge into the sea of spikes and traps and monsters, saying, "Now let's go fulfill our destiny!"

* * *

Sheik pulled out his harp. "Follow after me on the Harmonica," he said seriously, and Zelda obediently put the Harmonica of Time to her lips. 

Her self-sufficient counterpart plucked out a few notes, then did it again and looked at her expectantly.

Zelda closed her eyes and played along.

_Tried_ to play along.

Instead of notes with secret magic powers, what came out of the Harmonica was a rhapsody of chaos, a conglomeration of every note on the scale played randomly, overlapping each other, sounding like a cat that had just been thrown into the moat.

Sheik's shoulders slumped. "You don't know how to play the harmonica, do you?" he asked wearily.

Zelda stared at the little instrument in astonishment. "I don't know what's wrong! Why isn't it working?"

"Have you ever even _tried_ to play a harmonica before?" Sheik asked, and Zelda glared at him. "No," she snapped, "but I'm _Princess Zelda,_ and these things are supposed to come naturally! Now _why_ isn't the Harmonica working?"

"It isn't working because you have no idea what you're doing," Sheik sighed.

Zelda's face fell. "Then you mean…"

"Yep," Sheik affirmed. "I can't help you any further."

For a moment, Zelda stared at him in disbelief.

Then Sheik flung sand in her face.

"OW!" Zelda shrieked, furiously rubbing it out of her eyes, brushing it off her face, and shaking it out of her hair and clothes. When she looked up, Sheik was not in front of her any longer.

He was by the door, fruitlessly tugging on it, apparently trying to "vanish" into the hallway before Zelda recovered.

"What was that for?" the princess demanded, stalking over to him, and Sheik immediately ran across the room and hid behind a stone pillar.

"Sheik isn't here anymore," he called faintly, trying to disguise his voice by making it several pitches higher.

* * *

"Link!" Riana cries. "Behind you!" 

Link whirls around and finds himself face-to-face with a squad of Stalfos enemies.

Wondering how on earth this many of the sword-weilding skeletons had gotten behind them when they weren't even twenty feet from the drawbridge, Link unsheathes his sword and prepares to deliver a major rear-kicking, even though the Stalfos technically don't have rears.

Before he can do so, however, Riana flies in and plants herself between him and the monsters.

"Run, Link!" she shouts over her shoulder. "I'll hold them off! Save yourself and then have second thoughts and come back for me!"

Link sighs. "Riana, get out of the way."

"But my love, I—" Riana protests, but Link pushes past her and plows into the horde of enemies.

He only manages to kill one before all the Stalfos stop attacking, stand still, and look past him.

_What in the world?_ Link wonders, then follows their empty gazes to see what it is that has so captivated their attention.

It's Riana, of course… because Riana is dancing.

As her invisible orchestra strikes up an eerie tune to which an invisible choir begins singing in Latin, the princess sweeps her arms gracefully, pirouettes, sways.

Link wants to ask himself just what it is the Sue thinks she's doing, but another thought beats that question into his brain: _I want to dance with her._

"_NO!_" he screams out loud, and he hits himself in the head. "_NO, NO, NO!_"

Stretching her slender arms to the sky, Riana looks at him with soulful eyes. Misunderstanding him, she cries, "I'm sorry, Link! It's the only way!"

A ball of light appears in her cupped hands, and she brings her arms down and heaves it at the Stalfos with a cry of "_Eternal Heavenly Melodic Starfire Harmony Power Attack of Justice and Righteousness!_"

The ball of light explodes into a burst of fire and sparkles and shiny little music notes, and the entire group of monsters disintegrates before Link's eyes.

Riana waits until Link turns around to face her before she drops to the ground in a beautifully choreographed dead faint.

* * *

"Sheik," Zelda sighed, "I know it's you." 

"No it isn't," he insisted in a deep voice this time. "This is… um… the, uh, Great Deku Tree. His spirit—I mean _my_ spirit—back from the grave. Yeah."

Zelda walked behind the pillar. Sheik was crouched there, trying to make himself as small as humanly possible.

"You can't see me," he whispered.

* * *

Link's first thought as he stares at Riana's form gracefully sprawled out on the ground is _I wonder how far away I can get before she wakes up._

His next is more realistic and more unsettling: _I won't be allowed to run away. She'll find me anywhere I go. This is a Mary Sue fic—I'm stuck with her until the story ends._

Feeling as though the world has turned against him, he drops to his knees and lifts Riana's head and shoulders in his arms, noticing uncomfortably that her full lips part ever so slightly, almost begging for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

He lifts her up, stands, and slings her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

He is _not_ going to give her mouth-to-mouth, and there is _no freakin' way_ he is ever going to kiss her.

_Unless the Pendant of Sanity fails,_ another thought reminds him, and he shudders.

* * *

As Sheik tried to hide in plain sight, denying his own existence, Zelda decided to try a new approach. 

"Oh my," she said a little too loudly. "Sheik was RIGHT THERE and all of a sudden he DISAPPEARED! I sure am amazed that he can VANISH FROM RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!"

Sheik lifted his head. "That's right," he said warily, testing the waters. "Sheik is gone. He isn't sitting right here."

"Of course he isn't," Zelda agreed.

Sheik stood up and inched toward the window. "He isn't going to try and escape again," he said. "Because, you know, he's already gone. So he doesn't need to."

"That's right," Zelda said. "I am definitely the only person in the room right now."

The Sheikah made a mad dash for the window. He fumbled with the latch for a moment, then said carefully, "Sheik doesn't need help figuring out how to open the window, because he's not going to try and escape again, because he isn't here."

"I think I'll open the window and get a nice breeze going in here." Trying not to look at Sheik, Zelda began to pull on the latch.

No use—it was stuck.

_Sheeze,_ she wondered, _does Ganondorf break everything he touches?_

"Sheik doesn't need you to hurry," Sheik said urgently. "He's somewhere else, somewhere where there's easy access to a bathroom, which is a good thing because he has to go."

Frustrated, Zelda hit the latch with the heel of her hand. When this failed to disengage it and get the window open, she smacked it with the Harmonica of Time, more out of irritation than anything else.

There was a _click,_ and the window swung open.

Sheik swan-dived over the ledge.

Ignoring his girlish screaming as he realized he was free-falling towards spikes, Zelda stared at the Harmonica of Time in her hands.

Did this thing just open the window latch?

She glanced at the heavy locked door barring her own escape.

Could the Harmonica do it again?

* * *

Link has been walking for perhaps five minutes before he feels Riana stir. 

"Oh good," he says flatly, "you're awake."

He lets her fall face-first onto the ground and keeps right on walking.


	11. Would You Like a Sidequest With That?

Chapter eleven… _Would You Like a Sidequest With That?_

Ganondorf was halfway down the spiral staircase leading from Zelda's prison in the highest room of the tallest tower to the heart of the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil when he finally allowed himself to take a breather. Leaning on a windowsill, he fumed silently that his new hideout did not come with an elevator.

At that very moment, someone fell right past him, screaming like a girl.

Ganondorf started in surprise. "What in the—!" He slammed the window open, shattering the glass out of the frame, stuck his head out the window, and looked down.

The screaming was faint by now and fading even more, but whoever was falling was out of sight.

_Odd,_ the Gerudo King thinks. _I hope that wasn't Zelda._

Another thought strikes him then: _Why is everything suddenly in present tense?_

His eyes fall on the answer: far below him, weaving through the maze of spikes and monsters and random spurts of fire, are none other than the Hero of Time and his Mary Sue tagalong sidekick.

Just to double-check, Ganondorf pulls back from the window and climbed up three of the steps behind him. Yes, the tense had changed back the second the couple on the ground were out of sight, leaving no doubt as to who they were.

He went back to the window and sticks his head out again, his gaze going straight to the heroes. They are getting too close for comfort already.

_Think, Ganon, think! How do you slow a Sue down?_

His face cracks into an evil grin. Of course. The answer is ridiculously simple.

He pulls back from the window again and began to sprint down the stairs two at a time, eager to get his newest evil plot in motion.

* * *

Riana is not dirty from her encounter with the ground. She is physically incapable of having grime on her person—unless, of course, she needs a little on her face to show off in hopes of having Link draw near so he can wipe it off and not want to break eye contact and then lean ever so slightly into her and then she can rise up to let her lips meet his—

The idea is a striking one. She takes smaller steps for a moment, letting Link get a little in front of her, and then quickly bends down, swipes the ground with her finger, and rubs the dirt across the bridge of her nose, which somehow gives her an air of innocent cuteness.

"Link," she says, falling into step with him, "do I have anything on my face?"

Her beloved doesn't even look at her. "Probably not."

"But maybe you should double-check."

"Why does it matter? We're practically swimming in dirt. We're both bound to get stuff all over us before we get out of here."

"But I don't want to face Ganondorf with anything on my face! It doesn't look very menacing!"

"Riana," Link sighs, still determinedly keeping his eyes straight forward, "halfway through our last battle with Ganondorf, you will start glowing. All your clothes will melt off while we're shielding our eyes because of the light, and you'll have some sort of transformation sequence ripped straight out of some magical-girl-themed anime. Your hair will be twisted up into elegantly braided ringlets, any and all wounds you have sustained will be automatically healed, and there will be absolutely _no_ dirt on you anywhere. _Quit worrying about it._"

"But Link—" Riana begins, and then she cuts herself off as she and Link stop dead in their tracks.

They have come to a giant door at the end of the spike-free path they have been following, and there is a lock and chain draped across it.

Link pulls on it once, just in case.

It is, of course, locked.

And it might as well have a giant sign on it over the chains which reads "SIDEQUEST!".

Riana almost claps her hands in excitement. Yes! It's about time!

She notices uneasily that Link seems a little less than thrilled by the prospect of yet another opportunity to realize his true feelings of love for her, but then she reminds herself that this is probably nothing to worry about. After all, they haven't even gotten inside Ganondorf's fortress yet, and if true love doesn't come during a sidequest, it will definitely come in the Gerudo King's evil hideout.

A loud, throaty _caw_ interrupts her thoughts, and both she and Link glance upwards. There—atop the chained door barring their passage sits an oversized, sooty-looking crow.

"What do you think?" Link asks Riana. "Just a feeble effort to make the scene more creepy or an actual part of the plot?"

As if on cue, the bird's eyes glow an ominous shade of red.

"It's part of the sidequest!" Riana exclaims happily, then tries to force her radiant smile into an expression of worry when she notices Link raising a thick brow at her.

The crow gives another rough _caw_ before taking flight. Once in the air, the large silver key dangling from its claws makes its first appearance.

"That's the sidequest?" Link wonders aloud. "We have to follow the bird and get the key so we can unlock the door?"

"It's wonderful," Riana breathes, then quickly corrects herself: "Terrible. It's terrible that Ganondorf would do such a thing."

Link, ignoring her for all he's worth, follows the bird with his eyes for a moment, then begins to head after it. "Well, let's get this over with."

* * *

The Harmonica of Time was useless as a mystical artifact. Heck, Zelda couldn't even force out "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on it, which wasn't so big a deal, seeing as sheep apparently did not exist in Hyrule and no one had any idea what a lamb was. But even if the tune had been called "Mary Had a Lon Lon Cow" or "Mary Learned Epona's Song" or even "All the Shops Are Overpriced," Zelda would not have been able to reproduce the notes to save her life.

However, as a lockpick, the Harmonica had become a priceless gem.

One tap on the window, and it immediately swung open. One tap on the heavy door blocking her escape, and she was now standing at the top of a spiral staircase.

Zelda began her descent. It was, she soon discovered, a very long, very narrow, very steep staircase. Silently, she blessed the rigorous spiral-staircase-descending exercises she had been forced to do during her Stereotypical Princess Girl Scout meetings; in fact, she had earned a merit badge for it. No one this side of Termina could descend a perilous staircase in heels and a gown more elegantly than she.

Well, maybe Link could, but she never wanted to see him try.

She had been positively floating down the stairway in her best Stereotypical Princess fashion for a full two minutes before she heard heavy footsteps headed up the stairs, coming towards her.

Zelda froze. _Think,_ she snapped at herself, _what did the handbook say to do when this happens?_

Of course. The Convenient Landing With An Unlocked Door Leading To An Old Storage Room Which Is Easily Overlooked!

There it was, just to her left: an extremely convenient landing that hadn't been there two seconds ago, boasting a large wooden door that stood slightly ajar. Zelda slipped into the room beyond and softly shut the door behind her.

Yes, she was in a storage room, alright. Countless shelves held row after row after row of assorted bottles and jars, and scattered here and there were large objects on the floor covered by dusty sheets. The CLWAUDLTAOSRWIEO had come through for her. She would be safe here for now.

As she leaned against the wall near the door, she listened to the footsteps, waiting for them to pass. There were definitely more than one set now, but they came to a stop in front of her landing rather than fade away up the staircase.

_That's right,_ she thought. _The handbook said that once I'm in hiding, the evil minions will discuss their secret plans just outside the door where I can hear everything perfectly._ She steadied herself and put her ear by the door.

"…you think Lord Ganondorf's evil plan to dispose of the Hero of Time will actually work?" came the gutteral, hissing voice of Random Henchman #1.

"Of course it will," Random Henchman #2's deeper voice snapped. "Here—let's sit down right by this overlooked landing which wasn't there the last time we passed this spot, and I'll explain everything to you down to the last detail in such a loud voice that a person standing right behind this door could hear everything perfectly."

"But we might be overheard," #1 gasped.

#2 gave a snort of disdain. "That's what Ganondorf gets for giving my huge fight scene with Link later on to his second-in-command."

_There's going to be a huge fight scene later on with the second-in-command? Who could that be?_ Zelda thought, but #2 started speaking again, and she pressed her ear to the door again, wincing as her enormous Triforce earrings bit at her neck.

"Anyway, Ganondorf's Super-Secret Evil Plan of Evilness is to get Link too interested in the Sue to remember that Zelda is being held prisoner and that there is an enormous bomb being set up, ready to blow Hyrule to kingdom come. But here's the good part: the Sue is determined to have at least one or two sidequests before storming the castle, so Ganondorf is going to use this to his advantage."

"How?" #1 rasped eagerly. "What does our lord of all that is anti-Link have in store?"

#2 chuckled darkly. "A locked door bars the way to the fortress, and Ganondorf's trained crow has the key. Link and the Sue will have to follow the bird to the lagoon in order to retrieve it."

"The lagoon!" cried the other. "But that's… that's…"

"Evil?" #2 suggested. "But of course. And once they reach the lagoon, all hell breaks loose."

The two laughed evilly for a moment, and then their footsteps began to move up the spiral staircase.

"But back to what we were discussing before," #1's voice came, beginning to fade, "I really need to find a better recipe for sugar cookies, because the ones with almond extract in them just aren't turning out as well as I'd hoped."

"Don't give up on it just yet," #2 answered. "I find that a little nutmeg always…" And they were gone.

Zelda put her hands to her mouth. Nutmeg _and_ almond extract?

Oh—and the Super-Secret Evil Plan of Evilness. She had to find Link right away. She had no idea what awaited the Hero of Time and his Mary Sue tagalong in the lagoon, but it didn't sound good.

She left the CLWAUDLTAOSRWIEO and flew down the stairs, and as she ran, it occurred to her that she had no idea where the lagoon was.

No matter. She was in fanfiction. She would show up wherever Link and Riana were right at the climax of the scene, even if she went the wrong way. But speed was essential—no _way_ she was leaving Link in the hands of that little Bambi-eyed flirt.

* * *

Link stops in his tracks, his chest heaving from the run.

Riana comes up behind him, resting her head against his shoulder. "What is it, my prince?"

Link is getting used to weird pet names by this point, and he doesn't pay any attention to this new one. "I think the crow landed just beyond this suspicious curtain of vines," he says, nodding towards it.

"Then let's go get it," Riana insists, and she tugs him by the sleeve through the plants.


	12. Rules of Engagement

Chapter twelve… _Rules of Engagement_

Link's hand hovers by the hilt of his sword, ready to pull it out and begin slicing at the first sign of movement beyond the curtain of foliage. He is sure that this is a trap of some sort, and knowing Ganondorf, there are going to be hordes and hordes of monsters waiting for him and Riana on the other side.

The vines brush his face and drape over his shoulders for a moment, and then he and Riana emerge.

Riana's liquid cerulean eyes open wide, and she gasps in surprise.

Link takes one look at what lies before him, and terror wells up in his mind. This isn't what he expected at all, this is worse, much worse, and for the first time in his life he begins to wonder if Ganondorf has finally beaten him, because he doesn't know whether or not he will get out of this one alive. He begins to scramble frantically in the other direction—and Riana clamps on to his arm, continuing to pull him further in.

"Look, Link!" she cries. "Isn't it _wonderful?_"

_Wonderful_ is perhaps the fourth way Link would have described it, right after _perfect,_ _beautiful,_ and _I'd rather be eaten by Redeads_.

They are standing by a lagoon, and the sky is reflecting a most remarkable sunset. The waters are calm and serene, the air is filled with the soothing hush of crickets and cicaidas, and from out of nowhere a soft jazz tune begins to play in the background. The crow is on the other side of the water, perched on a branch of a flower-decked weeping willow. It flaunts the key in its beak.

_I can't believe Ganondorf has stooped this low,_ Link thinks desperately. _The sidequest is getting the key without falling in love with Riana!_

"Oh my," the princess gasps a little, and Link notices to his horror that her outfit has changed again—she now wears a simple, flowing white gown with pearls sewn on it that catch the reddish sunlight, making them look as though they all carry fire within. The same kinds of pearls adorn her neck, and a garland of small white flowers rests on her golden hair, which is beautifully wavy now and hanging freely down to her waist. Small luminous dragonflies are floating around her, and their light is reflected in her wondering eyes as she watches them delightedly. She is immensely beautiful.

_Crap,_ Link thinks, uncomfortably reminded of the questionable stability of the Pendant of Sanity. _I'm going to die._

As a whole, the glowing dragonflies begin to move towards the water's edge, and Riana follows, enchanted. They lead straight to a small rowboat, just big enough for Riana and Link and an elegantly set table between them featuring a large, flickering candle and two glasses of deep red wine that catch the light.

Riana gazes at the boat with a wild glee in her eyes that she valiantly masks with a look of concern. "Oh… how will I _ever_ climb over the side of the boat in these full luxurious skirts that somehow only enhance my heavenly beauty?" she sighs, and then smiles at Link expectantly.

The Hero of Time quickly looks away, and something glittering on the seat reserved for him catches his eye.

_What is that?_ he thinks. He squints and studies it, and the bottom drops out of his stomach. _Din, Farore and Nayru…_ _it's a ring._

There is a _diamond engagement ring_ waiting for him in that boat.

"Dearest?" Riana's voice coos gently. "We must hurry if we want that key."

"_NOOOO!_" Link screams, and he dives into the water.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"My lord!" Random Henchman #1 said smartly. "Link and the Sue have entered the lagoon! Things are going exactly as you said they would."

Ganondorf, perched comfortably on a throne made of skulls he had found in the very heart of the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil, tipped his head back and laughed his signature maniacal laugh. "All of Hyrule shall soon be under my control!"

#1 nodded. "Very good, sir. By the way—"

Ganondorf held up a hand. "I'm not done yet." He continued laughing for a few moments, then stopped to catch his breath, wiping away tears of mirth.

"Sir," #1 tried again, but the maniacal laughter started up again, so evilly this time that the lights flickered ominously and lightning crashed outside.

There was a few moments' silence.

"My leige, I—" But #1 was cut off by yet another spurt of dark laughter. The torches on the walls became a threatening shade of blue, and their icy light danced on the skeletons manacled to the wall in the corner that hadn't been there a few seconds earlier.

Ganondorf's laughter ceased, and things went back to normal. He cast a curious glance to the corner. "What were those skeletons doing there?"

"I've been trying to tell you," #1 said patiently. "Your package finally arrived."

"Package?"

"The auction you won on eBay."

Ganondorf sat up straight. "It's here already?"

#1 nodded again. "Yes, sir, and we've already installed it. Now, every time you laugh maniacally, the special effects will be a lot cooler."

The Gerudo King rubbed his hands together. "Excellent. Excellent. And what of the mailman who delivered the package?"

"Chained in the dungeon, awaiting torture and extraction of information," #1 reported.

"What information?" Ganondorf asked.

#1 shrugged. "It doesn't matter, does it? We're evil. This is what we do."

A grin spread across Ganondorf's face. "You, my friend, are getting a raise." He let loose with his most maniacal laughter yet, and the sound of thousands of chains clinking together filled the room.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Link groans, noticing right away that things are still in present tense and hoping he can just keep his eyes shut for the rest of his life.

A little gasp of relief rings out in the air like the tinkling of a musical bell.

"You're alive!" Riana's voice cries, and Link's eyes fly open as he feels a slight pressure just below his ribcage.

Those beautiful cerulean eyes are not very far from his own.

Link screams and sits up straight. "What are you _doing?_" he snaps.

Riana wraps her arms around his neck, sobbing the tears of joy. "You're alive! Oh, I'm so glad, I thought I'd lost you forever—"

Link pushes her off and looks around. He is dripping wet and sitting on the plush grass next to the rowboat. Riana is kneeling beside him, mostly dry besides her damp hair, radiant in the reddish light of the sun.

"You were drowning," the princess explains tearfully. "I dove into the water with no regard for my own safety, and my superhuman strength that would make any DC Comics character die of jealousy plus my fierce love for you enabled me to swim you to shore. I performed CPR to save your life—"

"You did WHAT!" Link cries in alarm. "You didn't—you didn't get to the mouth-to-mouth part—did you?"

Riana edges closer. Much closer.

Link feels his face beginning to flush red, and he tries desperately to back away—except Riana is putting most of her weight on the corner of his tunic, and slender though she is, Link cannot pull away.

Her eyes, so clear and deep and perfectly _wonderful,_ are drawing near to his face again.

"No," she whispers, "but even though you're awake, I can keep going."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zelda, still running through the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil, felt a horrible lurching sensation in the pit of her stomach.

Link was in trouble. Big trouble.

_No!_ Zelda thought desperately. _They're almost at the height of the scene and I'm not even out of the fortress yet! I'm too late!_

And then she stopped. There might just be a way to get there in time.

She walked to the closest door in the corridor and put her hand on the knob.

"I'm in fanfiction," she murmured. "Fanfiction. Anything can happen. I'm in fanfiction."

She pulled the door open.

A janitorial closet lay beyond.

Without wondering why there was a closet full of paper towels and Pine-Sol in a castle that was absolutely soaked in grime, Zelda softly closed the door.

"I need to get to the lagoon," she said aloud. "I don't know where it is, and I need to be there _right now_. Make a way for me."

She pulled the door open and was met again by cleaning supplies.

In frustration, Zelda slammed the door shut as hard as she could. "Are you _deaf!_" she snapped at it.

Two guards appeared at the end of the corridor. "Did you hear that?" asked one, and the other pointed past him. "Look! It's the princess!"

Zelda's shoulders slumped. Of course. The author wouldn't cheat for her unless she, Zelda, were in mortal peril.

The guards began running, but they were far enough away that Zelda could get a decent headstart if she took off right now. She had to wait until they were closer.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Riana's full lips part ever so slightly, and her face tips up towards Link's.

Link is suddenly overcome by the familiar fresh-rain-and-roses scent, and he feels himself beginning to slip into a fog.

_No,_ he thinks, terrified, _if I lose myself now, it's all over. This can't… can't be happening…_

Against his will, he feels the words _I love you_ beginning to push their way up his throat, trying to force their way out of his mouth. He won't be able to stop them in a few seconds.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Come on,_ Zelda urged the guards, _come on, come on, can't you go any faster?_

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Riana's face draws even nearer. Their noses touch briefly.

Link can't think straight anymore. His body falls slack, and he loses himself in the fog.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The guards were about fifteen feet away. One of them raised a spear.

It was now or never.

With an almighty cry of "I'M IN FANFICTION!" Zelda flung the door open and leaped through a curtain of vines. She hears the door slam shut behind her and almost sighs in relief.

Wait—_hears? Sighs?_

She whirls around and sees Link, eyes glassy and unfocused, sitting unresponsive as Riana's lips almost meet his.

Zelda barely even has time to think. She reaches for the only available weapon—the Harmonica of Time—and throws it with her arm that nearly landed her a place in the NFL.

It hits Link squarely in the temple, and he jerks backwards, clawing at his head for a moment.

"OW!" he snaps. "What the _heck_ was that?"

Riana's head whips around, fury burning brightly in her eyes—until she sees Zelda, and fury is replaced by sweet delight.

"Oh, sister! You're alright!" She leaps to her feet and bounds towards Zelda with her arms outstretched.

Zelda only allows herself to be embraced so she can hiss in Riana's ear, "What do you think you're _doing?_"

"CPR," Riana whispers back.

"Get this through your thick skull," Zelda answers through gritted teeth. "Link does _not_ love you. He _can't_ love you even if he wanted to. You're not really in the _Legend of Zelda_ series, and fanfiction can't change reality."

"You're wrong," Riana replies, her voice sweet but cool. "Link loves me more than he'll ever love you. And it doesn't matter that I'm a fictional character in an unofficial story, because I'm the embodiment of perfection, exactly what Link is looking for in a woman. He and I _will_ become a couple before the end of the story, mark my rhythmic and well-chosen words."

Zelda pushes her sister off, feeling disgusted. "You're delusional."

Riana smiles glowingly. "You're just mad because I was just about to kiss him."

And without waiting to hear Zelda's venemous reply, she twirls around gracefully and practically glides across the grass to help Link to his feet. "Look, love! My sister has returned to us safe and sound!"

Zelda notices Link glance down at the Harmonica of Time in his hand. He looks up and makes eye contact with her.

_Was that you?_ he mouths silently.

Zelda nods.

Link drops his gaze, and Zelda realizes the horrible truth—the power of the Pendant of Sanity must be waning.

Riana slips her arm through Link's, but her soul mate seems distracted, and he doesn't notice her presence at his side.

Zelda's arrival has thrown all of the Sue's plans off course. Princess Mariana Susana Starlight Bell Skydream Amethyst Phoenix Sonatina Jubilee the Life-Giver, the Water Spirit, the Chosen One of Destiny, the Sword of Hope, and the Goddesses' Avatar is infuriated.

_Zelda,_ she thinks bitterly, _must be eliminated._


	13. A Call to Arms

Chapter thirteen… _A Call to Arms_

Link drops his head into his hands, thinking longingly of going to sleep, waking up and realizing that this has all been a terrible, terrible nightmare.

Unfortunately, while things remain in present tense, that isn't going to happen.

At the very least, Zelda is here. Riana's attention will hopefully be divided between him and her twin sister, and if Link ever begins to succumb to the Sue's transfixing beauty and perfection again, Zelda will be able to save him.

That thought is the only thing keeping him from trying to smash himself to death with the Megaton Hammer, which sounds a lot less painful than finishing the half-developed plot of this story.

The princesses approach him, Zelda looking murderous, Riana looking as if she is about to explode with heavenly radiance. For a moment, Link wonders if a little angel is going to claw its way out of Riana's chest, like some twisted scene from _Aliens_.

* * *

The Sue begins to flounce towards Link, and little flowers spring up instantaneously on the ground wherever her feet fall. Zelda, annoyed, grabs her arm and holds her back.

"Riana explained everything," she says to Link in a dark tone of voice. "All you have to do is retrieve the key from the bird, right?"

"Yeah," he affirms, and from across the lagoon, the crow holding the silver key gives a melancholy _caw,_ obviously eager to be done with the scene.

Zelda glares at her sister. "If you're so perfect, how come it isn't flying over to be with you? Aren't you surrounded by adoring wildlife wherever you go?"

"Because it's an evil minion of Ganondorf's," Riana explains matter-of-factly. "If their eyes are glowing red, it's a dead giveaway. It's a poor wretch of a creature, forced into servitude, desperate to be free of its ties to the darkness. If only it would open its heart to me, I would take it in my arms and transform it into a dove, and it would fly happy and free into the sky where it belo—"

Her speech is cut short by the sound of Link's hookshot releasing; there is a sickening _thud_ and a strangled sort of squawk, and within seconds the Hero of Time is holding a very dead crow with a giant hole punched through it in one hand and the silver key in the other.

"Let's go," he says simply.

_Thank goodness,_ Zelda thinks. _I was afraid the author was going to try and drag this scene out._

* * *

Riana is staring at the bird with her lovely mouth hanging slightly open. As a gentle, flower-scented breeze begins to blow on her and no one else, tears well up in her oceanic eyes and drip straight off her face instead of running down her chin like tears would in most situations.

The places on the ground on which these tears fall will later become two separate fountains; one will bring healing to all those who are pure of heart and drink of its water, and the other will become a home for a rare species of fish whose natural habitat is being destroyed by Ganondorf's lack of concern for the environment. As is the case with most of the aftereffects of Riana's physical presence, this information is completely irrelevant to the plot, but it is listed anyway because Riana is just that special. And, of course, while Link and Zelda remain completely unaware of all of this, Riana knows it in detail because she is, after all, nearly omniscient.

Now, however, she is filled with concern not for people's well-being or homeless fish, but for the dead bird, whose only crime was falling enslaved to the King of all Evil and who paid for that crime with its life.

"Excellent," she hears her sister—her own _sister!_—say. "Now let's get going. We're already thirteen chapters in and we're not even inside the castle yet."

"It is most certainly _not_ excellent!" Riana blurts out, and her slender, perfectly sculpted frame shakes as she begins to weep. "A living creature had to die!"

"Well then, bring it back to life and let's get going," Link sighs, and he dumps the bird's body unceremoniously onto the ground. "We all know you can do it."

Riana stops crying immediately and stares at him. "What did you say?"

"What I meant," Link explains, sounding as bored as she has ever heard him, "is that you are going to cry about it dying for a minute, and then you'll cry about our coldhearted lack of concern. We'll turn to go, and you'll begin glowing, and little flower petals will swirl around you and then swirl around the bird. It will slowly open its eyes—which will not be glowing red any longer—and then, as you dramatically clap your hands to your mouth in wonder, it will suddenly become a beautiful brightly-colored songbird and will fly away, chirping the lullaby your birth mother sang to you only once while you were a baby and yet somehow you remember note for note."

"How did you—" Riana begins hotly.

Link interrupts her. "Are you coming? 'Cause we're leaving." And he and Zelda walk back through the curtain of vines.

Riana glares after the pair of them and starts forward too, but before she has gone two steps, she spins on her heel, raises the bird to life in a swirl of pink rose petals, transforms it into a bluebird with such vivid color that it would blind a normal person, and then continues her march to the other side of the vines with the bird's twittering rendition of "Riana's Lullaby" in her ears.

Also of little concern to the plot is the fact that if Link were to ever learn "Riana's Lullaby" and play it on the Ocarina of Time, he would become immortal, and Ganondorf would repent of his evil ways and dedicate the rest of his life to charity.

* * *

Sheik had never felt so humiliated in his life.

First off, he had _completely_ blown his exit. He was lucky that Zelda hadn't seemed to realize he was still in the room, and he was even luckier that she had decided to open the window. Even though she would never know what had happened when Sheik tried and failed to vanish, it would continue to bother him for a while. His pride in his work was in shambles.

_Then_ there was that whole business about falling. Sheik had never liked heights in the first place, but free-falling towards an ocean of blood-tipped spikes made it infinitely worse. At least he was still alive—how, he wasn't sure, but alive nonetheless. He could only assume that the author needed him for a later scene.

Now he was standing in the random spike-free area where he had just happened to land, furiously trying everything he could think of to keep his pants, ripped beyond repair by snagging on something as he'd plummeted to what he thought was certain death, from falling down.

It was no use. They were ruined, and no amount of makeshift belts was going to help. It didn't seem like the author was of a mind to give him a conveniently-placed sewing kit—or, more preferably, a department store—either.

There was nothing else to do. Sheik was going to have to head back into Ganondorf's castle and search for some replacement pants.

Filled to the brim with shame, Sheik began to make his way to the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil with his red-and-white Triforce boxers in full view.

This day just kept on getting worse and worse.

* * *

Random Henchman #2 looked up at the clock and nearly spit the coffee he had just sipped straight back out.

"W-we're late," he spluttered as he tried to swallow and speak at the same time. "C'mon, we've gotta run! Coffee break's over!"

"Already?" #1 groaned, but #2 didn't reply, just grabbed his arm and dragged him down the dungeon corridor to the prison cells.

"Master Ganondorf is going to be furious if we don't have the top-secret information for him soon," he gasped. "We've really got to make this torture session count!"

"Yeah, somehow, I just don't think this guy is going to crack," #1 muttered as they ran along. "We've tried everything and he just won't say a word."

They rounded the corner and stopped for a second to catch their breaths, then straightened up and slipped back into Professional Henchman mode.

"Alright, pal," #2 called. "You've had your chance. Now we're going to make you wish you'd never been born!"

The henchmen marched into the cell, ready to continue with the torture of the prisoner inside—except that there _was_ no prisoner inside. The cell was empty, and a back door marked "Emergency Exit" was standing ajar.

#1 swore under his breath, then turned to #2. "He escaped!"

#2 snapped back, "He wouldn't have if _you_ hadn't forgotten to lock that stupid door!"

"It was your turn to lock it!" #1 retorted, but then he shook his head. "It doesn't matter. The prisoner is running through this castle somewhere. We have to find him. We can argue about it later."

"But he could be anywhere!" #2 whined.

#1 snorted. "We'll get him back. And when we do…" He slammed his right fist into his left palm. "He'll pay."

* * *

The FedEx delivery guy ran down the twisting hallways as fast as his feet could carry him, but the questions running through his mind were faster. Why was he being held prisoner for delivering a package? What information were they trying to get from him? Who _were_ these people, anyway? Total freaks! They were all total freaks, that's who!

He was hardly paying attention to where he was going by this point, so when he ran full speed into Ganondorf, the King of Evil, he screamed more in surprise than in fear as he stumbled backwards.

The Gerudo man, so big and bulky that he hadn't been moved at all, glared at him. "And just _where_ do you think you're going?" he snarled. "You are a prisoner!"

The FedEx man's mouth moved wordlessly for a moment, but then he forced the sounds out. "What do you people _want_ from me?!"

Ganondorf's eyes narrowed. "You are in no position to make demands, fool."

"I don't _want_ to be a prisoner!" the delivery man gasped. "I just wanted to—"

"Of course you want to be a prisoner," Ganondorf interrupted. "That's why you're in the story. You wouldn't have a part otherwise."

"But—but—"

"But what? Is being a prisoner not _good enough_ for you?" Ganondorf snapped. "Maybe I should just dispose of you right here and now. Maybe we really don't need that information of yours after all."

"I don't _have_ any information! I keep telling you that!" the FedEx man cried.

The King of Evil blinked. "You don't? Then why are we keeping you prisoner?"

"You shouldn't be! Just let me go!"

"I can't," Ganondorf said after a moment's consideration. "It isn't very evil to let you go free."

The delivery guy's shoulders drooped a little. "But…"

"Say, I know," Ganondorf said, his face lighting up a little. "I was going to send out my second-in-command to fight Link, the Hero of Time, in just a little bit, but then I remembered that I don't _have_ a second-in-command. Do you have any experience in fighting guys with swords twice your height and weight and the blessings of the goddesses?"

"_What?_"

"Oh, and he's got a Mary Sue bothering him."

"N-now, just hold on a second," the FedEx man stuttered, completely taken aback. "I think I'd rather be a p-prisoner if it means I don't have to—"

"Excellent!" Ganondorf said cheerily, clapping his large, meaty hand on the delivery man's shoulder and nearly driving him to the floor. "You don't know how worried I was about that whole second-in-command business. I've been trying to get a hold of Dark Link for ages, but I just kept getting his voicemail."

"I really d-don't think this is such a good idea," the FedEx man managed.

"Nonsense! You'll do just fine," the King of Evil said confidently. "All you need to do is stand in the entrance hall of the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil. When Link and the others come through the door, tell them that you've been expecting them. Then all you need to do is pull out whatever evil magic weapon you do battle with and attempt to kill the Hero of Time, even though he will eventually slice you to death and come after me. Really, there's nothing to it."

"He's going to kill me?!"

"Make me proud," Ganondorf commanded. He gave the delivery man a curt nod, and then he deftly swirled his cape around himself and disappeared through a set of wooden double doors hung with bloodied chains.

The FedEx man felt like he was about to faint. Maybe escaping hadn't been such a good idea after all. If only he had a way out of this… if only he didn't have to be a part of the cast anymore, but could fade into the blissful obscurity of the secondary characters who have already served their purpose in the plot and are no longer needed…

Behind him, a door creaked open, and a hoarse voice whispered, "_Psst… are you looking for a means of escape?_"


	14. The Sin of Omission

Chapter fourteen… _The Sin of Omission_

It is not long at all before Riana stops fuming and returns to her normal, overdone self. Zelda is still on the receiving end of a few death glares now and then, but for the present, the Mary Sue has occupied herself with trying to hold Link's hand without him noticing.

Link, of course, will have none of it.

"Stop that," he hisses as he brushes her away again. "We're on a _quest,_ not a date."

"But romance can blossom anywhere," Riana insists in a whisper. "And the very fact that we're saving the world together can only mean that we were meant for one another."

"No," he retorts, "the fact that we're saving the world together can only mean that the author lacks sufficient creativity to write a developed, original story and has resorted to you."

"But I _am_ developed," the Sue protests, seeming indignant. "I already told you my tragic past, didn't I?"

Link rubs his left temple gingerly; he can feel a headache coming on. "That doesn't cut it. Your present is what's bothering me."

Riana purses her lips in frustration. "I am an _extremely_ deep character!" she says. "And I can prove it, too!"

"No, you can't," Zelda snaps, sounding as if she is about to die of exasperation. "You are a pathetically flat, one-dimensional projection of what the author wishes she could be. And stop doing that!" she adds as Riana makes another grab for Link's hand.

The Sue glowers at her. "You don't think I can prove just how heartfelt and provoking I can be? Fine then. From now on, this is going to be in first person."

"You can't do that," Link points out in frustration. "This section is following my point of view. Switching perspectives in the same section will only throw people off."

"That doesn't matter," I say matter-of-factly. "We're going to follow _my_ point of view, and then you'll see just how deep my character is."

Zelda gives an aggravated scream. "Don't you _care_ about the story itself?" she shouts, gesturing wildly at the maze of spikes through which our party is trekking. "We have to save Hyrule, not cater to your every need!"

"I'm sorry," I reply with a sarcastic sort of sweetness, "but I'm being too deep and thoughtful right now to listen to your childish ranting." Before she can go off on another of her rants, I begin to reflect on Ganondorf and the pain he's bringing to the civilians of this world. My own heart aches as I feel the sorrow and despair coming from those who feel as though the light of hope is flickering out, and with a determination stronger than steel I vow to bring them that light once more.

My beloved Link heaves a rough sigh, but I am positive I can hear longing in the rush of his breath. "We're almost to the castle anyway," he says. "Once I begin a serious battle with Ganondorf's minions, the focus of the story is going to have to shift back to me anyway. Then we can hurry up and finish this and get things back to normal."

_Normal,_ I think with a twinge of yearning. _How I wish happiness could be normal in all the world. And how I wish Link's own normal could be a peaceful life. With me._

Our party continues trekking throughout the vile maze for quite some time afterwards. We are accosted by monsters at every turn, and as valiantly as Link fights them, as hard as my _beloved_ twin sister tries to aid him with holy magic, they always need me to finish the job with my own brand of attacks. We encounter more doors and gates with magic seals, and I am always required to solve the puzzle, collect the gems, beat the time limit, finish the job and open the way. A few times, I notice Zelda grimacing at me when she believes I'm not looking, clenching her hands into tight fists, even baring her teeth once or twice.

It's such a shame that she is so jealous of my infinite usefulness to Link.

I ignore her like the saint that I am, though, and we continue on our way until finally, _finally_, we are standing before the moat of lava surrounding Ganondorf's Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil. A few seconds pass in silence before Zelda says, "Now what?"

Link raises an eyebrow at her. "What do you mean, 'now what'? Isn't this the part where you unleash your Super Princess Power and create a magic bridge over the lava for us?"

"Um, _hello,_" Zelda answers irritably. "I'm only one Sage. I'm not all seven. I can't make the bridge by myself."

"Excuse me," I say politely, eager to help. "I think I forgot to tell you this, but I have the power of all seven Sages."

"Of course you do," Zelda mutters under her breath. At the same time, Link asks me, "How is that even possible?"

My modest nature causes me to blush as I explain, "Well, the goddesses knew I had been blessed with special qualities since the time of my birth. It's partially due to the fact that I'm part goddess myself—but to make a long story short, they only gave the Sages part of their mystic abilities. The rest of the powers were given to me, since I can withstand the force of seven Ancient Magics residing within me and even master them."

"What is the point of giving _you_ Sage powers?" Zelda wonders. "You never guarded an ancient temple or anything. And if that's all true, then where were you during _Ocarina of Time_? You would've saved Link a lot of time and dungeon-crawling had you just made a bridge for him right off the bat."

"Oh, I was in the Sacred Realm itself," I answer. "I was battling the devil that whole time. He was trying to steal the Triforce while everyone else was distracted by Ganondorf's attempts to do the very same thing."

"Does the devil even exist in these games?" Link asks Zelda under his breath, and my sister merely shrugs.

I, of course, hear them perfectly—my enhanced senses would put Superman's to shame—and grin. "Not anymore. I banished him."

"Surprise, surprise," Zelda mutters.

"That's fascinating," Link says to me in a tone that heavily implies otherwise, "but it isn't helping us get across the moat of lava." He waves an arm towards said moat. "If you really are so powerful, make the bridge so we can get going."

The bridge would be so easy for me to create—all I would have to do is _will_ it into existence, and it would be—but the fact of the matter is that it isn't nearly romantic enough. Especially not with Zelda here. I'm going to have to take action if I want love to blossom before the end of the story.

But how can I do that without being malicious? Angel-goddesses are incapable of showing malice to any except the most vile of beings. And as much as Zelda falls under the vile being category in my book, she is still blonde and blue-eyed, meaning she is one of the good guys. I will just have to wait until opportunity presents itself.

And almost instantly, it does. I couldn't have planned this better myself—well, alright, I _could_ have, because no one can do things better than I can, but the sight of my beloved sister suddenly vanishing into the earth as a trapdoor swings open underneath her feet makes my heart swoop with hope.

"ZELDA!" Link shouts, diving forward, but the trapdoor closes and seals itself before he reaches it. Undaunted, he claws at the ground, but it's no use—it's as if the trapdoor never existed, and only compacted earth remains where my sister fell. It's all I can do to keep from cheering. Zelda is out of the picture! Could this get any better?

As it turns out, it certainly can.

Maniacal laughter rings through the air, and webs of lightning rip through the sky as the theme from _Psycho_ blares. Link and I look up, up, up, craning our necks to see Ganondorf leaning out the highest room of the tallest tower in his Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil. "I have kidnapped your precious Zelda… AGAIN!"

"How did you do this?" Link demands. "Even _you_ can't just spirit people out of the scene like that!"

Ganondorf laughs his evil laugh again, and suddenly the ground is littered with skulls. "You fool! The author is all-powerful in fanfiction! She delivered Zelda into my hands! It involved a lot less time and effort to create a random portal than to develop another aspect of the plot!"

Here it is! It's my chance to show off my valor and courage and impress Link with the power of my righteous fury! Then he'll be so overwhelmed by the way I flawlessly balance my strength with my graceful charms that he'll drop to one knee immediately, take my hand, and insist that we get married!

"Ganondorf!" I cry, my voice suddenly a little deeper and more authoritative. "Your vile schemes will no more plague our people! You have forfeited all rights to mercy with your treachery! Prepare yourself well, for when we next meet, you will be forever banished from this world!" I have to suppress a smile as I reach my favorite part. "I am Mariana Susana Starlight Bell Skydream Amethyst Phoenix Sonatina Jubilee the Life-Giver, the Water Spirit, the Chosen One of Destiny, the Sword of Hope, and the Goddesses' Avatar! I am Princess of Hyrule and avenger of the oppressed! In the name of all those whose lives you have destroyed, I myself shall vanquish you!"

"We shall see, Princess," Ganondorf booms down at me. "We shall see who shall be forced from this world!" He vanishes back through the window.

Link's brow suddenly furrows in puzzlement. "That tower is over a mile high," he says. "How could he hear us? How could _we_ hear _him_?"

"Lazy author," I remind him. "Come on, Link, we have to cross this moat and storm the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil and save the world!"

"Well, if you would just make the bri—"

"There's no time for that!" I insist. "Link, we must embrace each other as tightly as the threads of fate that bind our souls to one another! Hold me, and I will fly us over this deathly moat!"

He stares at me blankly. "…what?"

Reminding myself that I can't expect him to fully grasp the complexity of my beautiful declaration (after all, no one alive is as deep and thought-provoking as yours truly), I clasp my hands in front of me and bow my head, and my white-feathered wings unfurl around me. The radiant light of heaven shines down on me, a beacon of divinity in this ocean of evil darkness, and for a brief moment an invisible choir can be heard striking up the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's "Messiah".

"You know," Link says, "you could have created the bridge in the time it took you to do all that."

I wrap my arms tightly around him. "No! We must fly together!" And without waiting for him to say another word, I take off, and the two of us sail on the wings of love over the lava.

* * *

Link has never wanted to hit a girl so badly before in his life. However, Riana is not just any girl: she is the Mary Sue from hell, and she definitely _deserves_ to be hit. Multiple times.

The only problem is that while they are suspended in midair over certain death, he has no choice but to cling to her. After all, she's the one with the wings. But while this saves him from being toasted like a campfire marshmallow, it also wreaks havoc with the Pendant of Sanity. It simply cannot handle the close proximity, and to his horror Link finds that his mouth is filling with drool. His mind has started to go fuzzy already after only a few seconds of hug-flying, and he cannot keep his thoughts straight: _The Pendant… so pretty… the Pendant is failing… I love her… failing because her perfection is over… want to hold her forever… is overloading it… marriage… not even the author… she's so amazing, so wonderful… not even the author can reign her in now… love… love… love… love, love, love, love love love lovelovelovelovelovelovelove—_

His mouth opens, and those cursed words fight to cross his lips—but they touch down, and he finds the sense to shove himself away from her. His mind clears instantly. His body, though, is still trembling—he'll need another few seconds to regain control of himself fully, but what if Riana pounces on him before he recovers?

Thankfully, he has no need to worry. The Sue is distracted. Glaring sharply around her, she folds her arms tightly against her perfectly-shaped chest. "Why isn't it in first person anymore?" she demands. "I wasn't done showing everyone how profound my personal insights are!"

As if in reply, the heavy front doors of the castle swing open of their own accord to reveal a figure waiting for them, their features shrouded by a heavy cloak.

"That's why," Link answers. "It's the mini-boss fight. I'm the main focus of the story now." He unsheathes his sword and steps forward, relieved that for a while at least he doesn't have to put up with Riana's narcissism first-hand.

As expected, the shrouded figure does not move as Link approaches, but a gutteral voice issues from the cloak's dark folds. "The King of Evil has no need of you, Hero of Time. Stand down or be destroyed."

"The King of Evil has no need to destroy Hyrule," Link replies. "I will stop him, whether or not you stand in my way."

"Then we duel, hero," the mini-boss says matter-of-factly. "May the goddesses have mercy on your soul."

"Show yourself," Link answers, "and _then_ we duel."

After being subjected to fifty-four pages' worth of corny text, one-in-a-million coincidences, and holes in the plot bigger than the one in the ozone layer, those last few lines of dialogue seem like something out of a dream. Sterotypical, yes, but much less cheezy than the flowery words Riana normally spouts off. It's a welcome relief—but as all good things do, the promise of a well-written, epic battle comes to a terrible end as the mini-boss unwraps the cloak and tosses it aside.

No twisted goblin born of the darkness stands before him. The mini-boss is Sheik, holding two curved swords and wearing a pair of dark brown shorts that draw unnecessary attention to his scrawny legs. He crosses his weapons and glares through the blades at Link, trying to look menacing—and failing miserably.

"Zelda?" Link asks incredulously.

Sheik throws his swords to the ground angrily. "NO!" he shouts, loud enough to make a nearby flock of ravens take flight. "I'm Sheik! I'm my own person! I EXIST TOO!"

"No you don't," Link points out simply.

In a rage now, the Sheikah snatches his weapons off the ground again and points one straight at Link. "Look," he snaps, "I've been having a _really_ crappy day. I humiliated myself, almost fell to my death, then lost my pants and ended up having to agree to fight you in the mini-boss's place in exchange for his shorts. I definitely _don't_ need you questioning me! Just accept that this is fanfiction and that I can exist!" His grip on the sword hilts tightens, and as he raises the blades and rushes forward he cries, "Now you die, Link!"

* * *

Zelda opened her eyes to find herself back in the highest room of the tallest tower of the Secret Fortress of Darkness and Evil, alone and covered in dirt.

Well, things weren't quite as bad as they seemed. For one, the story had gone back to past tense, meaning that Riana wasn't close by. Besides, she had the Harmonica of Time. She could escape exactly the same way she had escaped before. Slightly cheered, she began to shake the grime out of her skirt, making a mental note not to travel through wastelands of evil while wearing her royal best anymore.

It was then that she noticed her royal pocket was empty.

_No!_ she thought furiously, searching herself over for the Harmonica-turned-lockpick. No use—it was gone. Had she dropped it when she was pulled into the ground?

_What am I going to do?_ she wondered in horror. _If I don't have the Harmonica of Time, I can't get out of here, and if I can't get out of here… then Link's going to have to storm the castle alone with the Mary Sue!_

* * *

Riana watches as Link and Sheik charge at each other with weapons drawn, happily waiting for her beloved to show the slightest sign of weakness or fatigue so she can fly to his rescue… and as she watches, she slips her fingers into her pocket, feeling the cold metal of the Harmonica of Time resting there snugly.

Of course, she knows exactly what this instument is. She is, in fact, the one who plucked it from her sister's pocket before they even reached the moat of lava.

As the first _clash_ of blades rings out, she smiles to herself. Zelda is out of the picture… and this time, she will _stay_ out of the picture. Link is as good as Riana's now.


End file.
